The Christian Relationship Blog

6 Things You Didn't Know About Marriage

8:58 AM

I stumbled upon a cool little video recently. It's from Jenna McCarthy. Not Jenny McCarthy. Yeah. I had to get that one straight myself! Jenna McCarthy is the author of "If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married" which gets points for a great title even if it isn't a great book. (I haven't read it yet so I don't know!)

http://www.ted.com/talks/jenna_mccarthy_what_you_don_t_know_about_marriage.html

I have a heart for this issue because of the mistakes and errors I've made myself. But every marriage doesn't have to fail. In fact, success is predictable. "50% of marriages end in divorce" is what I call a lying statistic. Why? Because it is NOT 50% for those who do some basic things. Here are a few of her suggestions (with my commentary) on how to have a successful marriage. Love her insights! Buckle up. She is blunt!

1. Wives, keep yourself more attractive and thinner than your husband. There is science to this. I promise! And before you get mad at me, get mad at her if you want to. I'm just telling you what she says.

2. Focus on the positives/praise-worthy moments. I've written about this recently. There is (according to research) an ideal praise-to-criticism ratio. We have to learn how to catch each other doing something right. I remind my fellow men of God this all the time.

3. Husbands should help out domestically. This leads to more/better sex and happiness at home. It turns out that washing a few dishes goes a loooooooong way to help and heal a marriage.

4. People who smile in photos divorce less often. The eyes are the windows of the soul. Perhaps this is more pertinent to the singles, but it is no less true. Look at photos. You can see whether they are hard-wired for happiness or grief. Agree? Disagree?

5. Watching romantic comedies causes relationship dissatisfaction. You have to learn to free yourself from the fantasies.

6. Divorce is contagious. The people with whom you spend your time matters A LOT! You have to be intentional to place yourself in the company of those who are striving to make it. Quitting too soon becomes a habit. You can catch that attitude. Get around those who are happy and know how to work through it when they aren't. Everything could hinge on this.

I've also come to understand that you must work to keep the "love bank" full. Small kindnesses, gestures, non-sexual touch are all ways to do this. (Guys, even if Valentine's Day doesn't mean much to you, it probably means something to her. A unique Valentine's Day gift for her can go a long way!)

If you need help changing the way you see some things and yourself, join my Relationship Readiness Group. You'll love it as study together with a particular focus on how to prepare yourself for love and healthy relationships! If YOU need this kind of help, join this group.

Remember this, too, as a bonus idea... A well-timed gift can work wonders! Don't get caught forgetting important dates.

Blessings!

~Mark Anthony

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com Phone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/ Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

The Incredible Praise-to-Criticism Ratio

6:58 PM

One quality I have always observed in people is how they use their tongues. Do you promote healing? Does you build up? Or do you criticize, condemn and destroy? (Yes. Sarcasm fits into the destructive category, I'm afraid.)

"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing." - Proverbs 12:18

It is said that it takes several compliments to undo the damage of one criticism. Harvard says effective teams have a ratio that works: 5.6 compliments for every criticism. They call it the "Praise-to-Criticism" Ratio.

Long before I knew what to call it, I knew Solomon's words. I also wonder whether this applies to successful marriages and child rearing. I suspect you know which way I'm leaning on that. So I watch people. I watch them in real life. I watch them online. I read their tweets. I look at how they talk to their children. I can't tell you how important this measure of a man or woman is to me. If you can't build people up, you can't be in my life. If you can't minister hope and grace, I can't be in a relationship with you and I must not compromise on this.

Candidly, these days I openly wonder whether some of us would have anything to say if we weren't ridiculing somebody.

Sigh. We've got to do better, saints. We've got to do better.

If you need help changing the way you see some things and yourself, join my Relationship Readiness Group. You'll love it as study together with a particular focus on how to prepare yourself for love and healthy relationships!

In our time together we work through various facets of preparing for meaningful relationships and marriage beginning with setting Godly relationship goals and much more. Additionally, we will use a private Facebook group to share materials, engage in candid discussion and post announcements for each of the personal coaching calls.

If YOU need this kind of help, join this group by clicking the image below! Only $7 per month!!

Our next group coaching call is coming up Sunday!

Claim your spot today!

Going the Extra Mile In Your Relationships

3:32 PM

Overcompensate.

"Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two." - Matthew 5:41

Krystle S. Talley of The Christian Chameleon would say this means to go the extra mile to compromise, love, and give grace to your significant other. I think that is a great take on it. The Bible might also call this bearing one another's burdens.

When it comes to dating as divorced people, one thing we have to be aware of is that the other person (especially if divorced, as well) has suffered unique harms and I believe we must be ready to overcompensate for them.

Let me give an example so you can personalize this. If he is dealing with abandonment issues, bear with him. Warning: This takes work!!! Relationships are NOT for the selfish! Do little things to show that you are loyal - even where you might think they are unnecessary gestures. Normally, these gestures would be overkill, but you're dealing with a man who may still need some healing in that area. Likewise, if a woman has been the victim of years of verbal abuse or criticism, should not a man of God be intentional about building her up with his words? Of course!

(Side note: Nobody will be 100% healed when you enter into relationship with them. Neither will you be. I don't believe it's possible this side of Heaven. We can let that fantasy die right here!)

If you are drawn to someone, consider that you may actually have been given a burden in the spirit for that person. And if you have a burden for somebody, bear with them and help them bear their burdens. You will need to do a little extra. Jesus might call this going the extra mile and I think it very much comes into play when dealing with people who've been bruised.

Consider this, too. Must not everything we do or say minister grace in Christ?

If you need help changing the way you see some things and yourself, join my Relationship Readiness Group. You'll love it as study together with a particular focus on how to prepare yourself for love and healthy relationships!

In our time together we work through various facets of preparing for meaningful relationships and marriage beginning with setting Godly relationship goals and much more. Additionally, we will use a private Facebook group to share materials, engage in candid discussion and post announcements for each of the personal coaching calls.

If YOU need this kind of help, join this group by clicking the image below! Only $5 per month!!

Our next group coaching call is coming up Sunday! Claim your spot today!

In the mean time, as you work this out, learn to be humble and strong enough to change. As we've talked about before, there's nothing wrong with giving a little ground to get along better. It doesn't make you any less of a person nor any weaker of a person. God bless!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com Phone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/ Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

"I ain't never gonna change."

1:35 PM

"I can't change."
"I'm never gonna change."
"Take me the way I am."

Was listening to some songs on the radio with my daughters yesterday. These are the anthems we're allowing to play in our ears!?!?

Guess what? Most people don't want to hear it but successful relationships OF ALL KINDS require constant change. Expecting people to accept all of you exactly the way you are is selfish and prideful. I'll grant you this. You should not change everything about yourself all the time. You should formulate a core set of values that you will not compromise but be very willing to adjust your behavior as you move through life.

A core value is a fundamental belief. For example, your belief that children should be born inside of a marital union would be a core value. A behavior is how you act or conduct yourself. An example would be the side of the bed you sleep on. Would changing the side of the bed on which you sleep cause you to violate a core value? I hope not! Changing behaviors are simply adjustments we all make to make society work.

You know what they call people who won't change? Alone and miserable. There's a secret every successfully married couple knows that most single people don't know: each partner bends and adjusts A LOT to keep the home happy. "I won't change" is a sure-fire formula for broken relationships.

If you need help changing the way you see some things and yourself, join my Relationship Readiness Group. You'll love it as study together with a particular focus on how to prepare yourself for love and healthy relationships!

In our time together we work through various facets of preparing for meaningful relationships and marriage beginning with setting Godly relationship goals and much more. Additionally, we will use a private Facebook group to share materials, engage in candid discussion and post announcements for each of the personal coaching calls.

If YOU need this kind of help, join this group by clicking the image below! Only $5 per month!!

Our first group coaching call is Sunday, September 1 at 7PM and I am limiting participation to keep the group intimate and focused. (Schedule 90 minutes for each session.) Claim your spot today!

In the mean time, learn to be humble and strong enough to change. There's nothing wrong with giving a little ground to get along better. It doesn't make you any less of a person nor any weaker of a person. God bless!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com Phone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/ Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

Introducing the Live BIG Die Empty: Relationship Readiness Group

6:52 PM

Join Mark Anthony McCray of Live BIG Die Empty as we journey along the path to "Relationship Readiness: Preparing to Have Happy, Healthy & Whole Relationships" with a particular focus on how to prepare yourself for love and healthy relationships!

In our time together we work through various facets of preparing for meaningful relationships and marriage beginning with setting Godly relationship goals and much more. Additionally, we will use a private Facebook group to share materials, engage in candid discussion and post announcements for each of the personal coaching calls.

All of the most successful people (in every field) have coaches. Do you? If not, you are not doing everything you can do to achieve your dreams, visions and purposes. Period. It only takes one right idea at the right time to change your entire life. If you could learn new exercises, techniques and strategies for planning your life, building a business, increasing your income and understanding your purpose, would it be worth the price of a meal? I ask clients to read this before we begin working together to allow you to better understand my approach to coaching and to help you get the most out of the experience.

What is group coaching?

Group coaching is a great way to experience professional Life Coaching at a fraction of the cost of individual coaching, through a group setting. Individuals can benefit through sharing, learning from the successes and challenges of other members, forming relationships and experiencing synergy from the group. Group coaching works by utilizing the power of one-on-one coaching with group support. Learn how you can overcome your challenges which will increase your ability to reach your goals, through the power of connecting with a professional coach and other group members who will lend support and ideas in a non-judgmental, safe and confidential environment. Coaching is not counseling or therapy or consulting. A coach leads the sessions and partners with group members so that they discover their own answers and develop their own techniques for learning the best way to achieve what they want and what they are each capable of as individuals. Because group coaching is based on creating synergy from the group and forming trusting relationships, a commitment to the program and assignments is required. Participation by all members is vital for group coaching to be effective and to provide synergy to all involved. Participants share their challenges, members provide feedback, brainstorm possibilities and the coach helps move everyone forward by helping to form action plans and provide accountability to all. Group Coaching May Be For You If:

You are truly committed to making a shift from settling on an ordinary life and moving into greater opportunities of fulfillment....
You have the drive and the desire to make a change for the better in your life right now....
You are open to explore your awareness of yourself and be willing and committed to stretch out of your comfort zone along with other supportive group members...

ENROLLMENT IN THIS GROUP IS NOW CLOSED. FOR INFORMATION ON OTHER COACHING PROGRAMS, PLEASE VISIT THE LIVE BIG! DIE EMPTY. BLOG.

3 Things He's Looking for from Her

8:48 AM

Once a man is attracted to you, I believe he begins to filter every conversation, observation and interaction with you through three key questions:

Does she NEED me?
Can I make her happy?
Could I trust her with EVERYTHING I am?

Some say men don't commit these days but that's obviously not true. Men and women still get married. Good men and women get married. Some marry and some don't and I believe I've figured out how you can discern which way a person is headed. You can even look in the mirror and see where you are in these.

The crux of the matter is good men marry good women - women who make them feel needed (respected and appreciated), whom they feel that they can make happy (she expresses gratitude often and enthusiastically) and whom he feels he can trust (able to be naked and not ashamed).

I'm being repetitive with this post. Everyone has needs. That's natural. Having needs isn't being needy.

I've met many women who give off each of these positive vibes individually and some who give off all three. I've met women who give off none of these vibes. Instead, some women communicate to the world things such as "I don't need anyone", "I will never be satisfied" and "I can't be trusted." For example, it has been said that a man will not stay with a woman whom he can't make happy. It seems to apply even if they're already married.

Like I've said before, that's why I created this program! It is alright to need. It is alright to trust. You control your own happiness.

A question for the reader... WHAT IS SHE LOOKING FOR FROM HIM?

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

What Can You Give? What Can You Add?

6:47 AM

If you can't think of ten ways you aren't making your partner happy, you're missing it and you're selfish. Period!

Short blog today. I love and respect all of my readers here so this just a Public Service Announcement. A reminder, if you will. I've got no complaints today. I'd simply like to encourage you not to look at a relationship for only how you can be made happy, but how you can contribute to a happy environment. Stop putting all that pressure on other people to manage your emotions for you. It isn't Biblical.

Instead of thinking (as is natural) "How can she make me happy?" pray about what you can add to her life. As a wise man once said, if you can't think of ten ways you aren't making your wife happy, you're missing it and you're selfish.

Like I said. A reminder... That's why I created this program!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

How to Stop Being So Needy

6:37 PM

Last time we talked about having needs vs. being needy and it sparked some good dialogue. Remember: neediness is when a person requires more than usually expected or due. In other words, their needs are being met on a reasonable level, but they still want more. If you're the kind who has been called needy more than once, let's face it. There might be some truth there. If everybody calls you a donkey, buy a saddle, right? Some of you reading this are... needy!

Side note: It is OKAY to need people. That is a good thing!

A few thoughts about how to stop being needy:

Be courageous about being authentically you no matter what. There is someone out there for the real you - the one you're sometimes tempted to keep hidden. You are valuable just the way you are.
Know your core values and don't compromise them. There are plenty of ways we all need to change and grow. There should be some things about yourself you don't change.
Give yourself permission to want things. Even in your wanting, have gratitude. Be grateful for the ways your needs are being met and the efforts of others to meet them.

There is nothing wrong with needing love, touches, tender words, time with loved ones and commitment. You just have to be clear about what your needs are and sober about when they're being met and when they're not. Being needy is all about failing to realize that you're requiring more of people than they can give and not honoring the needs they're already meeting.

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

Should Divorced Exes Get Back Together?

1:48 PM

I'm posting this for a friend. She asked me why divorced exes seldom, if ever, get back together. Research shows the number to be somewhere around 4% to 6% of couples remarrying one another. In my friend's mind, the kids would be better off and that makes it not only okay but necessary. Aside from those couples who divorce and marry each other two or three times, why doesn't it happen more?

I'm not sure why it doesn't happen more but offered her these thoughts:

Your Ex has to want to restore the marriage. This rarely happens.
Both people have to grow and mature. This rarely happens.
The growth people experience needs to be in the same direction - It normally isn't when they're in different environments, churches and circles of friends for months or years. Practically-speaking, many times exes begin to become strangers after the divorce.
There is usually some recognition that you should have/would have chosen someone else the first time around.
In some cases, there is so much acrimony that you really do need a fresh start. Dealing with an angry Ex becomes a daily reminder of failures and can be too much weight for a new relationship to carry and reinforces poor patterns.

Every credible marriage counselor will tell you that you don't "go back" but you should start over learning that person again. Dr. Phil might say something like "You can't ever put the toothpaste back into the tube." At some point you look at the person and determine that you would all be better off going another way.

Most important, in my view, is each person has to be able to truly forgive. Most Believers only pay lip service to this. I've done enough lay counseling (a lot more than most people think) to tell you that 80% of most peoples' current problems are related to their unwillingness to forgive someone in their past.

What do you think? Should exes come back together? If so, how can they do it? Have you ever remarried your Ex?

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
Phone: 281-846-5720
Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/

For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

Having Needs vs. Being Needy. What's the Difference?

2:13 PM

Can you tell the difference between a person expressing legitimate needs vs. being needy? Everyone has needs and you can't deny that. But when does it cross over into unhealthy territory?

First, let us define the two terms: needs are physiological or psychological requirements for the well-being of an organism. Food, water, belonging are all examples. Neediness is when a person requires more than usually expected or due. In other words, their needs are being met on a reasonable level, but they still want more.

If you are in a relationship with a needy person it can feel suffocating. I've had people express that they can give and give but never seem to be able to give enough. Remember, this isn't to say that we all don't have legitimate needs. Trying to act as if we don't, is just as bad. Here are some things I've seen as examples of healthy needs vs. unhealthy neediness. There are tons more.

Unhealthy: Compromising your core values to be someone you're not.
Healthy: Changing and maturing to be easier to relate to and with.

Unhealthy: Isolating yourself from other relationships including same-sex friends and family.
Healthy: Enjoying the company of your significant other and valuing each moment you get together.

Unhealthy: Demanding they remain in contact with you all the time by phone, text or email.
Healthy: Thinking about your partner and being concerned for their well-being but trusting them when they're away.

Got any others? Next time I'll write about how to overcome being needy. I'm seeing a lot of people struggle on both sides of this issue. I feel like we should talk about it a little. What are some other signs of being needy?