I talk about this book so much you might think I consider it a fifth gospel. Not quite, but it did help me to understand some differences between needs and wants more clearly. Specifically, I have to respect a need and meet it. Wants may be met when it's feasible, convenient or on some schedule that both agree upon on. However, needs are needs! For a husband to doing his duties, he must be handling these.
They might change in order from woman to woman. There might be one that is different on one woman's list than another's. Yet, after stacks and stacks of research, Dr. Harley (and others) have concluded that wives are going to NEED the following. If a need is starved, the person will suffer until they have two choices...die or find a way to meet the need. Think is these like food and water. Most people, if starving, will get to the point of throwing their morals out the window to get something to eat if they're nearing death.
So...let's get to it! From "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley...
#1 AFFECTION:
"Physical affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval."
Affection is important in its own right and it has nothing to do with sex. Affection says "I Love You" without "I Lust For You." Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, touches, gifts, back rubs, affectionate words, etc. all fall under the category of affection. Harley says that the "typical male" sees affection as foreplay to sexual encounters and is normally aroused by affectionate physical gestures. A man who growls, 'I'm not the affectionate type' while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is missing a chance to meet one of her deepest needs.
#2 CONVERSATION:
We usually put our best foot forward before the marriage and are trying to get acquainted with each other as well as letting the other person know how much we like them. In order to do both, we are usually engaged in a lot of conversation; Long talks at night; Long conversations on the telephone; Walks where we tell each other about ourselves.
After the wedding, we know about each other and the conversations we used to enjoy seem to be very limited or come to an end altogether. Harley says that men do not seem to need conversation, but women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. The most satisfying conversation is one that focuses on getting to know each other, showing an interest in each other, and discussing topics of interest to both. It is important that she feel a genuine interest and caring for her.
Harley says that the average woman needs 15 hours of quality conversation a week.
#3 HONESTY AND OPENNESS:
"A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs…To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future."
#4 FINANCIAL SUPPORT:
"Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth, a woman does marry at man for his money -- at least she wants him to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up."
#5 COMMITMENT TO FAMILY:
"A woman has a powerful instinct to create a strong family unit. They want their husbands to take a leadership role in the family and to be a good father. This means having "good family time" and playing an active role in raising the children."
Let this image sink into your mind for a moment as you go through list. A woman starved for communication might be ready to gnaw her own arm off to get some!
A wise man will keep these in mind as he endeavors to love and serve his wife. A wise woman will be attentive to whether she is deficient in any of these areas and let it be known in her attempts to respect and serve her husband.
