The Christian Relationship Blog

How is the Economy Impacting Your Relationships?

11:48 AM

Shared from The Live BIG! Die Empty. Blog

I had the pleasure of being a guest on "Update with Doris Bailey" this past weekend with Guest Host, Philip Lowe. It was a great conversation discussing how the current economic crisis is impacting relationships...and what can be done. I shared three of the five things I think couples can do on the radio show. Here are those three plus the two I didn't have time to share...

‎1. Don't deny you're in a changed financial situation. I've seen a lot of people fail to come to grips with the fact that things will be different financially when one or both lose employment or have their income otherwise reduced. They keep going along as if nothing happened.

‎2. Re-embrace deferred gratification as a financial strategy. Waiting is a good and necessary thing. Get the children involved if you can. You'll be surprised at how willing they will be to help the household make THIS vs. THAT decisions...or the NOW vs. LATER decisions.

‎3. As I learned from my old corporate days, when you have to make cuts, CUT ONCE AND CUT DEEPLY! It hurts your psyche more to bleed, bleed and bleed continually over a long period. It's best to cut as deeply as you can (more deeply than you might think is reasonable) and do it all at once. Examples will come to your own mind, I'm sure. Here's one...don't just cut the extra channels from the cable package...cut the cable! Don't just cut down on going out to eat. Stop it all! Even (especially?) the fast food!

‎4. Double-down on building up your relationship skills. Change is stressful. Become more intent upon getting through it together. Sit down and talk strategy and roles. For some couples this may be the only time they've had such a discussion in years - maybe ever. When better to do than when trying to navigate a path together?

‎5. Only speak what you want manifested in your lives! No "woe is us" talk is allowed. Remain confident that you'll come through it, come through it together and be better on the other side of this temporary situation. Oh...that's the other thing to remind yourself. It's temporary. Everything on this side of eternity is temporary. Be encouraged!

"The (Forgotten) Proverbs 31 Man"

2:00 PM

In Christian circles, so much is said about the "Proverbs 31" woman without actually reading and studying the passage. I can appreciate all the T-shirts, organizations and "Proverbs 31" posters that we Christians like to sell and buy, but every now and then we've got to get back to the basics of the scripture and what it teaches.

Here's one basic: as we see in verse two from Solomon's most well-known passage: the Proverbs were written by a man to his son. (We'll come back to that in a moment.)

I've always thought it was interesting how we tend to handle this one chapter from Proverbs by ignoring its first nine verses. There is a lot more to it than the virtuous woman. She's married, after all. I'd almost forgotten that myself and had to be reminded that Chapter 31 doesn't start at verse ten. I highlighted some of the most important teachings for men below:

#1 - The primary audience of for the chapter is MEN...it is a book written from a man to his son. Let's stop beating women over the head with one under-understood chapter. If anything, it is supposed to help us identify a GOOD woman. It doesn't appear to be a manual for us to ridicule women.

#2 - "Do not give your strength to women." means we have to be disciplined and maintain our discipline. Solomon alludes to his son displaying kingly behavior and whoring after women is definitely not for kings. We have to be about our missions.

#3 - Drinking to excess is for those who are perishing. It isn't for rulers and kings, like you are. Get it together and put down the Patron. Most of verses one through nine deal with maintaining sobriety.

#4 - Defend the rights of the afflicted and needy. Elsewhere, Solomon teaches his son that it's only the righteous who even understand justice. We must stand up for those people who can't speak up for themselves. This is kingly behavior, kings.

I can't ignore that the bulk of the passage is describing a wonderful woman, wife and mother of virtue. I can only remind the reader that Solomon is seeking to show his son what she looks like and how she carries herself. I don't know where she got all of these great qualities. Perhaps she was taught by her own mother?

Suffice it to say we have no license to run around showing random women how short they fall of the Proverbs 31 standard. The chief pupil, men, is the man reading these words. We must ask ourselves, therefore, are we disciplined, sober and just in all of our actions for these are the character traits to which Solomon, the Koholeth, is trying to inspire us.

Amen?

Is Dating REALLY a Waste of Time?

1:38 PM

I referenced this concept before in my previous blog that went over like a lead balloon.

My goal with this blog is simple today - I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE IT ANOTHER BLOCKBUSTER...ooops...Redbox NIGHT!!! I WANT YOU TO GO SOMEWHERE, WITH SOMEBODY, SOME TIME. PLEASE!!!???

You will not shrivel up and die if you walk inside a Chili's with a member of the opposite sex.

You have not forfeited your kingdom inheritance if you go to coffee with somebody.

There is no commandment that says "Thou shalt not hit the comedy club sometime."

Most important, every interaction with a man (or woman) doesn't have to be a wrestling match to make it to the altar or DIE!

Let's stop being so afraid of messing up that we do nothing with nobody at no time.

"He was a waste of my time!" He was a waste of your time, huh? Well, maybe you were a waste of his money? I hate, hate, hate hearing this. I believe everybody is getting SOMETHING out of every relationship they maintain.

There are lessons in every relationship and VALUE to be gained. Also, unless you are being held captive, relationships are CONSENSUAL. That's means you are both getting some value out of it...even if it's just not having to go to the church picnic alone AGAIN. Maybe you're getting the satisfaction of believing someone cares about you? Maybe you're getting low-cost meals and movies? Maybe you're just happy to been seen with SOMEBODY at the family reunion? Either way, you got something if you were hanging around!

Me personally? I see value and growth opportunities in every relationship. And, yes, there is often a TREMENDOUS value in having simple companionship. For example, even if you and "dude" aren't going all the way to the altar doesn't mean you can't have a good friendship, relationship and fun times...what if you use it as a time to learn about yourself, about men (or women if you're a man) and about what to look for in a partner in the future?

Now...

I also assume you're not complicating things with sex. My working assumption is that you're going to see Planet of the Apes and then hitting the Waffle House and going home! Right? It doesn't have to get overly dramatic....and it usually doesn't so long as clothes stay on.

We cool? Some of you are still going to be concerned about feeling like you're wasting your time. That's why I created this program!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com
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For more information on Mark as a speaker or presenter check out http://livebigdieempty.blogspot.com/p/about-mark_29.html

"How Can I Learn to Trust Again?"

2:33 PM

I am often asked to respond to people telling me they've been let down, hurt, devastated and don't know how to trust people again. I get that. I have been betrayed and stabbed in the back myself...my back looks like a dart board by this point. However, we can't allow ourselves to live in that place. We have to move on if we're going to do and get all God has called us to be and have.

Along those lines, here are three keys I'd like you to understand and internalize:

(1) Actions are individual
(2) People are people
(3) You are a person, too!

Let me explain.

(1) Just because we feel like people have let us down...or people have betrayed us...doesn't mean every person will betray us. It only takes the right relationship with the right person to change everything! Hang in there!

(2) Folks are just folks. They all have the capacity to let us down. At some point, everyone will do something that hurts us deeply. No doubt. If the apostles could turn their back on the son of God, surely, regular Joe can turn his back on Mark McCray. I'm not saying don't trust anybody. I'm just saying enjoy people as best you can and extend as much grace as you can when they come up short.

(3) You are a person, too. You have hurt people. You've betrayed them. You've let them down and turned your back on them, too. Perhaps they just didn't tell you about it. Perhaps they put on a tough face when they felt like you had cut their heart out with a dagger?

Finally, I stand in agreement with you in prayer and encouragement. I pray God's grace will be with you. You may be facing some deep personal challenges. I have, too, but I have found that God can and will sustain through the crisis!

Please share this with someone you know who may be looking for a little bit of encouragement this day...and please, please, please remember to join my Facebook page. I want to stay connected with you!

"Trouble In My Home"

6:18 PM

By Crystal Monae - Our Special Guest Blogger

When you can not get around, over, or through a rough patch in a marriage or relationship in general, it could be for many reasons. One of the most common impediments is the inability to go through it together. Either both people want out after there is no quick resolution or one person holds on while the other one checks out. We are a microwave, get-rich-quick, make it happen now, and selfish generation. You pray to God and you expect Him to work a miracle quick, fast, and in a hurry. You hand God your list (He/She is selfish, arrogant, lazy, rude, demanding, not understanding, insecure, easily offended, too thrifty, spends too much money, doesn’t stroke me the right way with my ego or in the bedroom) and then you say to God work it out for me.

We have to remember that it took God time to do a work with us.

Don’t you remember Him nudging you, beckoning you, and all the while still loving you? Did you say, "Yes Lord!" right away? No. You ran. You fought. You hid. You bargained. You straddled. You did all of those things until you realized that God loved you, accepted you, and that He was not going any where. That is what your spouse wants - to know that you love them, that you accept them, and that you are not going any where.

Now you are asking me, "Why don’t they know that already?" Well, have you built a fortress around you and in return, have they have built an igloo around them? You know what I mean. It’s really icy in your home or should I say in your crib because both of you are caged inside acting like babies. And it goes further. No one is talking or you give short answers, no affection or no I want you looks, and no one is putting any validating words of love out there because you stopped saying I love you a long time ago (probably when the sex was canceled).

Now you are saying, "I would, but he/she is so defensive?" Well, are you offensive? Are both of you not playing on the same team, with the same goals, and the same mission? Hmmm....so you pray harder but God is silent. He is not changing them. The silent treatment and withdrawal are by no means improving the situation, because now you have asked Satan to come play with you all in your crib and Satan says, "Now this is my kind of party! Let me see all the ways I can divide what was once whole and keep both of them from kingdom living. This is definitely a 2-for-1 special. If there are kids involved I can destroy them too by ruining their self-esteem, their confidence in their parents, and their confidence in God."

Up goes the heat, up goes the Satanic influence, and the relationship seems unbearable. I said it seems unbearable, only because your spiritual eyes have gone dim and you are too weak to tell Satan it is time for him to go. Pain has evolved into hurt, so you decide that it is time for you to go and let Satan cheer, because you simply can not handle the heartache any longer and you have lost your joy.

The joy of the Lord is your strength.

Picture your family whole and joyous. Envisioning the promise will propel you into destiny. When you give up while God is telling you to stay, what it all boils down to is that you don’t trust God. Now don’t let me loose you here, because I know that you are saying, "I trust God" and that is probably true to some degree. You trust God with you, but you don’t trust God to do a work in your significant other. You want them changed in a twinkling of an eye, even though it took you much longer to simply get saved.

To your natural eye it looks nasty and hopeless. Ah but grace, truth, and time must be invited in. Love is patient. Love is kind. Work through the pain together. Find out the etiology of the pain together.

Love your spouse into restoration.

Know how to love. Find out their love language. Show them the love of God which is so strong that it can not, will not be denied. Who knows, the biggest lesson may be for both of you and not the one who you believe needs a big change. God may want to know if you will stand still for a season or two or three until you come out on the other side.

Will you return a blessing and say it was just too much for me to handle? Will you give up on God? Well my sweet, I must tell you that God will not put more on you than you can bear. We usually give up right when God is about to turn the tide, right when you are about to receive your breakthrough and gain a powerful testimony of God’s faithfulness.

Personally, I have received my greatest rewards when I stayed with God to the bitter end.

If God says stay, you better stay. If God says go, you better go.

"Things Bitter Women Say" for $500", Alex!?"

10:56 AM

(Rewritten and reposted from the original with all thanks for Melissa Rich for the changes!)

Bitterness is a "conscious decision". It doesn't happen "to" a person. A person "chooses" it. It takes root when emotional pain is not dealt with effectively. Holding on to past hurts and offenses will result in bitterness. This will eventually lead to the death of a thing if it even has the chance to attempt growth.

I am posting this article based on things REAL women have said. Attitudes and positions "decided" by them. Bitterness may be there but a wise person (can be a man or woman) knows enough to deal with it and keep quiet until he/she has cleared their heart and mind of that which causes them to return in time to an experience that no longer exists in the present, except in their own memory.

If we want healthy relationships, we need to be painfully honest with ourselves and deal with these old wounds.

1. "He took advantage of me!" There comes a time in EVERY person’s life where they need to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for their OWN choices. At some point you became a willing participant in your relationship drama. Like I always say, "when in doubt, just stay upright and fully-clothed." It is a "victim" mentality that continues to blame others and never accepts personal responsibility. Add to this, it is harmful to YOU because you will never be able to recognize or be part in a mature and healthy relationship. By talking like this you identify yourself as someone who is unable to learn from their own wrong choices. It cant be "their fault" ALL the time. As a female friend reminded me, "if you're were wearing your nice panties, you didn't ‘fall’ at all! You knew where the road you were on was headed!"

2. "He was a waste of my time!" Are you evaluating your own self yet? Are you sure that you did not waste his time or his money? Everybody is getting SOMETHING out of every relationship they maintain. Evaluate your own motives and the reason why you may have stayed with someone whom you suddenly decided was a waste of your time. Maybe you're getting the satisfaction of believing someone cares about you? Maybe you're getting low-cost meals and movies? Maybe you're just happy to be seen with SOMEBODY at the church social? Either way, you got something if you were hanging around! In reality, if you are taking "personal responsibility" you wasted your own time because you continued to hang with him AFTER you realized it wasn't working for you. It would be more beneficial to you to maybe look at it with a different perspective. Consider it a learning experience; about yourself, men and how you might consider more carefully next time. Again, how you look at it determines whether or not you are "growing" towards a more healthy choice or likely to perpetuate the same frustrating cycle. A cycle that "you" are choosing.

3. "I love him but I don't respect him!" If a man has to choose your love or respect, he would rather have your respect. Believe that! Take it from a "man"! I'm not saying your "love" is worthless, but it’s worth less than respect and admiration. This is a problem for a lot of my sisters. They say men shouldn't need respect. "Why doesn't he just respect himself?" "What does it matter what I think?" "Is his ego really that fragile?" Admiration is a NEED for a man and most will gravitate towards whoever is giving it. Women are always shocked at how a man chooses the "other" woman who isn't as beautiful as his wife. It's because it wasn't about looks. She was doing something else for him/his ego!

4. "I don't believe in dating." Not to sound too frustrated but, do you honestly believe that I am supposed to walk up to you and immediately declare my intentions on courting you towards marriage? I don't even know if you know how to eat with your mouth closed? Seriously? Dating is the process by which "we" find out if "we" are "right" for one another. It is a REAL and EXTREMELY VALUABLE step in the path towards committing your LIFE to each other. My commitment to a woman in marriage is for EVER! I am being integral to make sure I make the RIGHT decision before it’s too late.

This is for YOUR good as well. A God-fearing man of integrity will choose very wisely before he makes a life-long covenant. He intends to KEEP his word. How can I determine if you are someone I want to commit my entire life to when I don't even know you? Men are tactile, we are practical. We hear God’s voice but we are still very practical in how we go about the process. You can try to force us to be something else, but you will continue to be alone and wondering why. Ladies, trying to help you here.

5. "I won't settle." A lot of people say this and they do not appear to have as high a standard for themselves as they do for the one they have set their hopes on. You don't have to worry about settling because he will not likely choose someone who does not see his value; that would be "settling" in "his" mind. It is possible that he "likes" you but he doesn't dare tell you that you are lacking in some areas as well. He is being kind but also realistic. You might not be the prize you think you are. Sure, you're great. But your breath is bad in the mornings (and some afternoons), you've got a nasty attitude sometimes and maybe you weight more than you should and though he is very interested in you, he is scurried to express that point. Have you set your mind on this "ideal" so that you cant even see the person? Are you even looking at "him" as an "individual" or are you trying to "match" him to some "ideal" in your mind. Until you look at the situation with real and present perspective, you are in danger of missing what could be perfect for you.

These attitudes are not going to help you land a good man. They are going to deter them. When a "good" man comes along, he will run soon as he recognizes that you are viewing him through your old pain. He doesn't want your old life or the mess that you chose to bring with you thus far. He wants something fresh between the two of you. He wants a relationship with "YOU" not you and all the other men you have been hurt by.
don't be so quick to react, face yourself and get real.

Consider what I am saying for your own well-being. If you remain bitter, chances are, you will get someone who is also carrying baggage and it will NOT work for you either. Unfortunately, if you are not being honest with yourself, you will continue to attract a man based on your unconscious fears and will find that he is just like the others. That is because you will not attract something different until YOU change something about yourself and how you view relationships and men. A bitter woman will likely not attract a healthy and stable man because he is looking for a healthy and stable woman.

An Epidemic of Singleness?

8:44 PM

Websters Dictionary defines an epidemic as something "affecting or tending to affect a disproportionately large number of individuals within a population, community, or region at the same time" especially of a negative connotation. That's us. These days, a very large number of people within "our" community fail to remain married and an increasing number fail to even try.

I believe "singleness" may have become an epidemic. It's a malady. Lots of words to say it's a very bad thing and I am not sure any society or sub-culture within a society can sustain it. Though not necessarily looking at it in a faith-based context, others are writing about this, as well, in talking about teenagers who have never seen a wedding!

I believe singleness could be robbing the body of Christ of its witness, its power and its cohesion. To a degree, it may be robbing us of our overall understanding of our faith. After all, Paul goes great lengths to help us understand the relationship of Jesus to His Church by using marriage as an analogy. Old Testament prophets did the same. In a day where fewer and fewer people even attempt marriage, could we be losing our ability to grasp and communicate our faith?

Is this a problem? Or a symptom of a deeper problem? What can be done about it? The current "wisdom" relating to marriage is wait...wait...wait...take your time...wait...wait...wait...and....wait. We date FOREVER...stay engaged FOREVER and then, finally, stay married half as long as many of the previous generations did.

I think it's time to give the current wisdom the boot and start looking for partners again! Somebody point me towards people encouraging marriage...PLEASE???!!!

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him."

""Things Bitter Women Say" for $500", Alex!?"

6:39 PM

1. "He took advantage of me!" Really? Are you serious? If you're older than 30, you knew what you were doing. Spare me. Okay. 30 is too old. Maybe the "age of dating accountability" happens much earlier but at some point you became a willing participant in your relationship drama. Like I always say, "when in doubt, just stay upright and fully-clothed." This is victim talk and it's unacceptable in a mature, healthy woman. Additionally, in sticking to that story, you're calling yourself stupid. As a female friend reminded me, if you're were wearing your nice panties, you didn't "fall" at all! You knew where the road you were on was headed!

2. "He was a waste of my time!" He was a waste of your time, huh? Well, maybe you were a waste of his money? I hate, hate, hate hearing this. I believe everybody is getting SOMETHING out of every relationship they maintain. Maybe you're getting the satisfaction of believing someone cares about you? Maybe you're getting low-cost meals and movies? Maybe you're just happy to been seen with SOMEBODY at the church social? Either way, you got something if you were hanging around! Best to maybe use it as a time to learn about yourself, about men and about what to look for in the future? Man, I'm getting tired.

3. "I love him but I don't respect him!" If a man has to choose your love or respect, he would rather have your respect. Believe that! I'm not saying your "love" is worthless, but it's worth less than respect and admiration. This is a problem for a lot of my sisters. They say men shouldn't need respect. "Why doesn't he just respect himself?" "What does it matter what I think?" "Is his ego really that fragile?" Admiration is a NEED for a man and most will gravitate towards whoever is giving it. Women are always shocked at how a man chooses an "other" woman who isn't as beautiful as his wife. It's because it wasn't about looks. She was doing something else for him/his ego!

4. "I don't believe in dating." So I'm supposed to walk up to you and declare my intentions on courting you towards marriage...and I don't even know if you know how to eat with your mouth closed? I'm supposed to commit to ONLY TALKING TO YOU and I ain't even met your crazy momma yet? Seriously? What in the H is wrong with you that you can't go to Olive Garden with a dude without it becoming a major commitment that you gotta pray over? It ain't that serious! Oh. I forgot. You don't want to waste your time on me. Okay.

5. "I won't settle." YOU won't settle? LOL YOU won't settle? How haughty can you get? I am betting you'll either be single for a looooooooooong time or you'll change that stance. You might not be the prize you think you are. Sure. You're great. But your breath is bad in the mornings (and some afternoons), you've got a nasty attitude sometimes and you probably weigh more than he wants you to weigh but he's scurrrrred to tell you. But you're not settling, huh? He might be settling! He wanted Kerry Washington...but...

Think about it. If any of these are you, go ahead and start chunking rocks at me now because I use these phrases to decide who NOT to talk to.

You Are Worth More Than Your Weight In Gold!

6:28 AM

This is a tough one. Not planned in this order and not scripted. Maybe short. Maybe long. Let's find out together.

Value.

What are you worth? You are worth more than your weight in gold!

My guess is that a number of people don't value themselves nearly highly enough and put up with people who share the same low opinions of them. I don't know how else to say it. I'm seeing people allow themselves to be degraded, called ridiculous names, mistrusted, lied to, lied on and even physically-abused. I'm hearing of women who won't allow their children to see their fathers and men who won't listen to their wives over their mothers.

We aren't valuing ourselves properly. We aren't valuing others either.

If I could encourage anything today it's this: Value yourself. Respect yourself. Honor your own boundaries. You may not be able to control what others do or how they act (directly) but they will respect you more when they see you respecting yourself more.

Woman, you don't deserve to be treated like a piece of property. You should be cherished. Protected. Men, you AREN'T sorry, no good or pathetic. You are a good man! You are a real man! You can do great things! Her careless and hurtful words may have stung so bad you thought you'd never recover, but you can!

Set a standard for valuing yourself so you'll be proud today of the person you see in the mirror!

The "Love" Bank

10:44 AM

"Is fighting good for a relationship?"

Someone asked the question. It's a good question. Maybe even a great one. I have known couples who like the adrenaline of a good shouting match so much that they look forward to it - along with the makeup sex.

Some disagreement is inevitable, but the analogy I've learned from a good marriage counselor is called "The Love Bank" and we have to make sure we're adding more to the bank than we're taking out. Otherwise, after a while, the bank is empty and the relationship is BROKE! Every fight takes money out of the bank! Every criticism takes money out of the bank! It's said it takes ELEVEN compliments to undo the harm done by one criticism!

Simple concept then: every time we interact with someone...work, school, church, relationship, parenting...we're either adding equity to the relationship or we're taking it away. A lot of times we will stand and look at a person and not even understand how we got where we are. We allowed the bank to get low or empty.

So here's the challenge...can we all start to appreciate and compliment the people in our lives more? Can we perform some unexpected kindness? Can we hold that hug an extra second or two? Of course we can! The more we do, the "richer" our relationships will become! Get it? Banks? Richer?

Be blessed!