The Christian Relationship Blog

What Can You Give? What Can You Add?

6:47 AM

If you can't think of ten ways you aren't making your partner happy, you're missing it and you're selfish. Period!

Short blog today. I love and respect all of my readers here so this just a Public Service Announcement. A reminder, if you will. I've got no complaints today. I'd simply like to encourage you not to look at a relationship for only how you can be made happy, but how you can contribute to a happy environment. Stop putting all that pressure on other people to manage your emotions for you. It isn't Biblical.

Instead of thinking (as is natural) "How can she make me happy?" pray about what you can add to her life. As a wise man once said, if you can't think of ten ways you aren't making your wife happy, you're missing it and you're selfish.

Like I said. A reminder... That's why I created this program!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

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How to Stop Being So Needy

6:37 PM

Last time we talked about having needs vs. being needy and it sparked some good dialogue. Remember: neediness is when a person requires more than usually expected or due. In other words, their needs are being met on a reasonable level, but they still want more. If you're the kind who has been called needy more than once, let's face it. There might be some truth there. If everybody calls you a donkey, buy a saddle, right? Some of you reading this are... needy!

Side note: It is OKAY to need people. That is a good thing!

A few thoughts about how to stop being needy:

Be courageous about being authentically you no matter what. There is someone out there for the real you - the one you're sometimes tempted to keep hidden. You are valuable just the way you are.
Know your core values and don't compromise them. There are plenty of ways we all need to change and grow. There should be some things about yourself you don't change.
Give yourself permission to want things. Even in your wanting, have gratitude. Be grateful for the ways your needs are being met and the efforts of others to meet them.

There is nothing wrong with needing love, touches, tender words, time with loved ones and commitment. You just have to be clear about what your needs are and sober about when they're being met and when they're not. Being needy is all about failing to realize that you're requiring more of people than they can give and not honoring the needs they're already meeting.

Should Divorced Exes Get Back Together?

1:48 PM

I'm posting this for a friend. She asked me why divorced exes seldom, if ever, get back together. Research shows the number to be somewhere around 4% to 6% of couples remarrying one another. In my friend's mind, the kids would be better off and that makes it not only okay but necessary. Aside from those couples who divorce and marry each other two or three times, why doesn't it happen more?

I'm not sure why it doesn't happen more but offered her these thoughts:

Your Ex has to want to restore the marriage. This rarely happens.
Both people have to grow and mature. This rarely happens.
The growth people experience needs to be in the same direction - It normally isn't when they're in different environments, churches and circles of friends for months or years. Practically-speaking, many times exes begin to become strangers after the divorce.
There is usually some recognition that you should have/would have chosen someone else the first time around.
In some cases, there is so much acrimony that you really do need a fresh start. Dealing with an angry Ex becomes a daily reminder of failures and can be too much weight for a new relationship to carry and reinforces poor patterns.

Every credible marriage counselor will tell you that you don't "go back" but you should start over learning that person again. Dr. Phil might say something like "You can't ever put the toothpaste back into the tube." At some point you look at the person and determine that you would all be better off going another way.

Most important, in my view, is each person has to be able to truly forgive. Most Believers only pay lip service to this. I've done enough lay counseling (a lot more than most people think) to tell you that 80% of most peoples' current problems are related to their unwillingness to forgive someone in their past.

What do you think? Should exes come back together? If so, how can they do it? Have you ever remarried your Ex?

Having Needs vs. Being Needy. What's the Difference?

2:13 PM

Can you tell the difference between a person expressing legitimate needs vs. being needy? Everyone has needs and you can't deny that. But when does it cross over into unhealthy territory?

First, let us define the two terms: needs are physiological or psychological requirements for the well-being of an organism. Food, water, belonging are all examples. Neediness is when a person requires more than usually expected or due. In other words, their needs are being met on a reasonable level, but they still want more.

If you are in a relationship with a needy person it can feel suffocating. I've had people express that they can give and give but never seem to be able to give enough. Remember, this isn't to say that we all don't have legitimate needs. Trying to act as if we don't, is just as bad. Here are some things I've seen as examples of healthy needs vs. unhealthy neediness. There are tons more.

Unhealthy: Compromising your core values to be someone you're not.
Healthy: Changing and maturing to be easier to relate to and with.

Unhealthy: Isolating yourself from other relationships including same-sex friends and family.
Healthy: Enjoying the company of your significant other and valuing each moment you get together.

Unhealthy: Demanding they remain in contact with you all the time by phone, text or email.
Healthy: Thinking about your partner and being concerned for their well-being but trusting them when they're away.

Got any others? Next time I'll write about how to overcome being needy. I'm seeing a lot of people struggle on both sides of this issue. I feel like we should talk about it a little. What are some other signs of being needy?

How Romance Is Killing Marriage

7:05 PM

I came across an interesting article talking about how romantic comedies are hurting relationships and I thought "WOW! Somebody gets it!" Somebody gets it! Romance isn't portrayed the way it was in the old days where you saw someone meet...

...stay involved in one another's lives over a span of time...

...marry and begin building a family...

Nowadays, what we call romance is more fixated on the "comedy" of two people simply trying to now have sex for an hour or two...

...and we call the end result (once they do it and decide they don't mind continuing to hang out together) love. Sweet love. We never see them put in the work of building a life together. They never talk about vision. They never talk about hopes and dreams. They screw or try to avoid screwing, drink and go through a series of hilarious miscommunications. Once they get beyond the snafu, the movie ends.

Then too many of us feel like life should be like a Matthew McConaughey movie. I'd like mine to be more like Jimmy Stewart for sure. Building something together is real romance!

Why is dating so hard?

7:39 PM

Well. This is a trick question. For me, it really isn't. However, I know a lot of people (men and women) who say they NEVER date. This is completely beyond me. Women are saying (claiming?) they aren't asked out and men are saying (claiming?) they are not asking. I really don't get it. This is a mystery to me.

A friend of mine, Betty-Anne Marie White of Woman, Reveal Yourself, offered some thoughts as to why is so... Here are her thoughts regarding mature adults (over 29) and why they are reluctant to date:

The hormones are not trumping their fear or logic any more. Thus they are more reserved.
The herd has been thinned, and what is left is a bit concerning.
We are more set in our routines. We are more steady in our jobs, sit on the same side of church year after year, never mind visiting another church's events, simply put, we are not meeting new people.
We have been hurt and we are seriously gun shy.
Social Norms are blurred even in the church, so the question of "How do we proceed?" stalls most of us from engaging.

Those are her Top 5. (I happen to think #4 is the leading reason that I see out there. I'm not saying it's without cause. )Let me ask a question. Are you dating? Why? Why not? If you say it's a waste of time, I would disagree, but I'm open to learning new perspectives. Most important...

HOW CAN PEOPLE BEGIN TO DATE MORE???

Why This Abstinence Thing Is Starting to Bug Me.

10:39 AM

I am about to make an open confession to which many of you will immediately think "That doesn't sound like Mark...or maybe it does? I'm confused."

I am not a huge fan of Christians celebrating years of abstinence. I don't have a magic calculation for this, but I think after a certain amount of time (years? decades?) maybe you're testifying to something negative instead of something positive - you have trouble sustaining healthy relationships that lead to long-term partnerships and marriage.

If you are single (and especially if you are a Believing Christian), you should not be having sex. Clearly there are those who have a gift of staying single and dedicating themselves to the Lord's work. Clearly these people are in the minority by gifting. At least I think so. I think the majority of the perpetually single that I'm coming across these days are hard to sustain relationships with and when those efforts blow up, they allow them the excuse that they're living for God.

Take it for what it's worth. I am not saying go get a copy of the Kama Sutra and a jumbo pack of condoms and make it happen. I'm saying focus on getting healed and into healthy relationships. This seems better and healthier to me than spending your most fruitful years trying to keep it in your pants.

Talk So He'll Hear You

6:24 PM

My friend, Belinda Oliver, said "Sis, men communicate differently than we do. Do you know how to effectively communicate with that man? Can he be comfortable in YOUR presence? Can he TRUST you or do you have an AGENDA?" and it got me to thinking.

I had written "8 Keys to Talking to Men" before but felt like I could write a quick update. Some women still feel like they aren't being heard. I came bearing gifts... of wisdom. Here are some quick ways to talk so your guy will hear you... really quick:

Step 1: Get to the point QUICK AND FIRST! Fill in the details after you made your point. If he doesn't know where the talk is going, he will zone out.

Step 2: Don't think everything has to be covered at one time. It doesn't. Give it to him in little chunks.

Step 3: Don't store it all up and explode on him! He won't even remember what he "did" a month ago.

Step 4: If you want him to talk, listen. Allow some silence and he will fill it. If you never stop talking, he will never start.

Does this help? Try these out and let me know how they work for you! I want you to be heard. Really.

Pride & Singleness

7:40 AM

A lot of you are not single because you can't find anyone, but because you're too proud. You meet people, you date and you stay together for a while until... until... until they give you some feedback you don't like. That's when you decide they aren't for you. You two just aren't a match.

Being in a long-term relationship with anyone requires you to change - a lot - but the conventional wisdom these days is everybody should just take you the way you are. Right? God forbid you should have to mature, be selfless, consider other people, apologize when you're wrong or adjust your priorities!

Relationships require you to walk in a lot of humility and accommodation. Perhaps it is your unwillingness to bend that keeps you alone? Despite what all the Facebook graphics are telling you, rigidity is not a good thing.

Basically, if you don't have what you want in your life right now and find that you're never able to build anything that lasts, you probably need to change. Yes. YOU need to change.

Admit it. You still believe in fairy tales.

6:48 AM

Do you know why fairy tales are called fairy tales? They are called fairy tales because they almost all involve fairies (duh!) or some other kind of magical being. In each one of them, this magical creature sees the woeful plight of the hero or heroine and swoops in to wave a wand, cast a spell or brew a potion that saves the day. In a flash of light, all is well and everyone lives happily ever after.

Most people live like they have a fairy god mother hovering over them waiting to grant their heart's deepest desire with three wishes - especially when it comes to dating and marriage. I'm making up a new term right here, right now. From here forward I'm calling most modern Christian dating the "Someday My Prince Will Come" Method of dating. It's the "I will sit here in my tower and wait until something happens" kind of attitude. It doesn't work that way in the real world. The Lord has set up a system that relies upon sowing and reaping. It applies to everything.

The vast majority of women who confide in me that they're tired of being single also admit that they never go out on dates (even when asked), never approach or accept approaches from men and rarely go anywhere except work and church. A friend posted on my Facebook page, "I have been to many women and singles retreats and the topic of staying pure aka saving sex for marriage and waiting is always talked about and encouraged. However, the discussion of dating has not been discussed or encouraged. That's why I believe most women are stuck at home, work and church because they are waiting for their future husband to sweep them off their feet."

I agree with her. One comment I hear often is "A man will have to go through God to get to me." and it drives me CRAZY!!! How exactly is a man supposed to do that? Do you give him a basic theology quiz when he asks you out? Do you pray a couple of days before responding to his asking you to meet him for coffee? It makes no sense to me! He didn't ask you to marry him. He asked you to go to TGI Fridays!

Overall, I am at an age now where a lot of my female friends thought "Someday my prince will come" while many others took chances to get to know people. Now the ones who put off so many opportunities are regretting it. Some admit. Some don't admit. But most acknowledge that there's a good reason those stories of magical rescue are called fairy tales. It's because they happen about as often as you've seen a fairy... which is to say probably never.

Disney has screwed you up. They make good movies, but Disney is not a great relationship counselor.

Go out on a doggone date!