"Big Butts and Smiles" (or "The Economics of Healthy Relationships")

...it takes more than a "big butt and a smile" to attract a quality man.  Besides...we don't trust them.  Bell Biv DeVoe taught us not to! (Side Note: I said QUALITY man.)

You see, I've had an epiphany.  

I think I'm out of the business of giving single women advice before I was even in it.  There are plenty of people out there who're willing to tell you how to get a man.  I'll let them handle it.  My advice begins and ends with a few simple thoughts:

1. Be more approachable. 
2. Smile
3. Be kind
4. Stop being so judgmental. 

That's about it from me.  Not quite enough to build a seminar around.  Certainly not enough for a book.  Anything else I would tell you would become really personal really quickly.  I'm keeping my list of things that are attractive to me to myself!  (You gotta let a player have his games, right?)

Here's my revelation on the economics of a good relationship:

If you want to be found, maybe focus first on being worth finding?  Perhaps you don't bring as much value to a potential mate as you think?

Being trained as an economist, I recognize that a lot of things come down to Cost-Benefit Analysis...even love, true love.  If you want someone to invest their life into you, what will they gain in the equation?  What are you able to bring?  Are you worth finding?  For what reason would he be sacrificing his life?  Your "honey" ain't THAT special, so you need to be able to bring something more than that to the table!

(Side note: please resist your temptation to fire off "HATE MALE" to me now.  It's not going to help your situation one bit.  I'll deal with the matter of men being ready to look another time.  The Bible tells us to "do all your work in the field and, after that, establish your house...)

Even as a man, I am learning to look at things in terms of what I can GIVE and BRING to a scenario as opposed to what I can get.  I have to look at business in terms of what I can add to an opportunity.  That's where my fruit lies.  I have to look at ministry in terms of what unique things I can do.  There is some gift that each of us has that we can give!  Why did God put me on Earth?

What if those of us who are single are only single because potential mates don't see us a valuable enough to commit to? For the single women, maybe you aren't worth finding yet?  Maybe the men around you don't think you add very much to their lives?  Maybe start by learning how to add to the people around you and you'll be seen as more valuable?

Here's a great article on learning how to meet a husband's needs.  Why not start studying now? http://beworthfinding.blogspot.com/2011/03/meeting-your-husbands-seven-basic-needs.html

There are a lot of big butts and smiles out there.  Quality men are looking for more than that.

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"The Courage to Leave Them Behind"

"Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go forth from your country, And from your relatives And from your father's house, To the land which I will show you; And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great; And so you shall be a blessing; And I will bless those who bless you, And the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed."  So Abram went forth as the LORD had spoken to him; and Lot went with him. Now Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran.  Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his nephew, and all their possessions which they had accumulated, and the persons which they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan; thus they came to the land of Canaan." ~Genesis 12: 1-5

After going through the story of Lot and Abram in Genesis several times, it's still not clear whether Abram brought Lot along with him or whether Lot tagged along on his own, but was never sent away.  The verses seem to go back and forth in their indications.  What is 100% clear, however, is that Abram (the father of our faith and credited by some as the father of monotheism) was commanded to leave behind his home, his relatives and everything related to his earthly father's house.

It's also clear that he didn't heed this command.  Not even a paragraph passes before we see both Abram and Lot riding off into the sunset together.  Their story of entanglement continues:

So Abram went up from Egypt to the Negev, he and his wife and all that belonged to him, and Lot with him.  Now Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver and in gold.  He went on his journeys from the Negev as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, to the place of the altar which he had made there formerly; and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.  Now Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents.  And the land could not sustain them while dwelling together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to remain together.  And there was strife between the herdsmen of Abram's livestock and the herdsmen of Lot's livestock Now the Canaanite and the Perizzite were dwelling then in the land.  So Abram said to Lot, "Please let there be no strife between you and me, nor between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are brothers.  "Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me; if to the left, then I will go to the right; or if to the right, then I will go to the left." ~ Genesis 13:1-9

Lot continues along with Abram like Mary's little lamb.  In our own lives we have people we've brought along for the ride.  There are also those who tag along - yet we don't kick them off the bus.  Usually, we know they aren't supposed to be there with us, but we keep them around anyway.

This isn't a value judgment.  Just because we shouldn't be in a relationship with someone, doesn't make him or her a bad person.  Lot was considered to be a good, righteous man.  This wasn't about Lot being a bad person.  This entire story is about Abram finally developing the courage to trust God at God's word without a safety net.  He eventually got there.  And, it's when Abram got to that place, that the Lord really began to speak to him with more clarity.  It's then that the promise truly begins to unfold!

Side note: This isn't intended to be encouragement to leave a marital relationship.  Seek counseling for that.  In my own life, this principle has meant that I've had to leave friendships and business partnerships behind to experience God's best.

"The LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, "Now lift up your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward; for all the land which you see, I will give it to you and to your descendants forever." ~ Genesis 13:14-15

We all know of Lot's sufferings while dwelling in Sodom.  We know that he lost nearly all of what he had and, in the end, it was just him and his two daughters.  We know that it was Abram's faithfulness towards Lot that brought any level of comfort and restoration for Lot.  Unfortunately, there's no indication that Lot ever contributed anything fruitful, productive or favored into his relationship with Abram...no advice, no comfort, no growth.  Lot, though a good man, was a drain on Abraham.  This is the epitome of a toxic relationship!

What do we learn from this history?  How does Lot's story unfold?  What are the lessons here for us to incorporate into our own lives and seeking healthy relationships?  There's so much here.  In the interest of time and space, I'll be brief:

• When the Lord calls you to go forth, you can do it!  He might send you companionship, but press on whether He does or not.
• Not everyone belongs in your life...even if they are good people.
• Be intentional about your relationships.  Even friendships should be purposeful and productive.
• When the wrong people are with you, tension is inevitable.
• There's a way to separate: be as communicative and as peaceable as possible.
• The presence of some people hinders our ability to hear God's voice clearly.
• When we demonstrate the courage to leave toxic relationships behind, blessings open up to us.

Lot's story ends with his daughters committing incest with him...giving birth to the Moabites and the Ammonites from this unholy union.  These are two of the same nations who have been either antagonistic towards or actively at war with Israel ever since.  The Lord reminds His people not to even allow them into the Assembly because they not only didn't help Israel when they were coming out of Egypt, but even attempted to curse them!  Read the passage.  If you want to have some fun, do a little research on Ammon and Moab.  Let's not even discuss Ishmael.  Abram brought many of Israel's troubles with him because he didn't have the courage to leave Lot behind.  

What do you take from the story of Abram and Lot?  I'd love to get your feedback!

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"Eyeball Rolling, Neck Jerking and Finger Popping"

If I could find a way to draw one of those big red circles with a line through the middle of this Blog title, I would have.  Just imagine one in your mind and know that I am ANTI-Eyeball Rolling, Neck Jerking and Finger Popping!  Why? and what in the fiery furnace does this have to do with you and your relationships?

Glad you asked!  Hold on tight.  This could get personal!  First, a little background scripture.

Genesis 24 (NASB)

A Bride for Isaac

1 Now Abraham was old, advanced in age; and the LORD had blessed Abraham in every way.

2 Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he owned, "Please place your hand under my thigh,

3 and I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live,

4 but you will go to my country and to my relatives, and take a wife for my son Isaac."

10 Then the servant took ten camels from the camels of his master, and set out with a variety of good things of his master's in his hand; and he arose and went to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor.

11 He made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water at evening time, the time when women go out to draw water.

12 He said, "O LORD, the God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today, and show lovingkindness to my master Abraham.

13 "Behold, I am standing by the spring, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water;

14 now may it be that the girl to whom I say, 'Please let down your jar so that I may drink,' and who answers, 'Drink, and I will water your camels also'--may she be the one whom You have appointed for Your servant Isaac; and by this I will know that You have shown lovingkindness to my master."

Rebekah Is Chosen

15 Before he had finished speaking, behold, Rebekah who was born to Bethuel the son of Milcah, the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor, came out with her jar on her shoulder.

16 The girl was very beautiful, a virgin, and no man had had relations with her; and she went down to the spring and filled her jar and came up.

17 Then the servant ran to meet her, and said, "Please let me drink a little water from your jar."

18 She said, "Drink, my lord"; and she quickly lowered her jar to her hand, and gave him a drink.

19 Now when she had finished giving him a drink, she said, "I will draw also for your camels until they have finished drinking."

20 So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, and ran back to the well to draw, and she drew for all his camels.

21 Meanwhile, the man was gazing at her in silence, to know whether the LORD had made his journey successful or not.

22 When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing a half-shekel and two bracelets for her wrists weighing ten shekels in gold,

23 and said, "Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room for us to lodge in your father's house?"

24 She said to him, "I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor."

25 Again she said to him, "We have plenty of both straw and feed, and room to lodge in."

26 Then the man bowed low and worshiped the LORD.

What a story!  There is so much that impresses me here as we look at how Rebekah became one of the matriarchs of the faith.  There is so much here that, I believe, applies to us today.  

In fact, that's where this Blog becomes personal for me.  

I get to "observe" a lot of behavior in real life and in the social networks.  It's funny.  Women ask me all the time whether I'm interested in them, their friend or other people.  They ask whether I think so-and-so is attractive.  Well, I'm a man, so that's the wrong question!  A lot of women are attractive, but very few will gain the attention of a quality man - the kind of man they say they want.

Rebekah did, however.  That's why I love her story.  It's full of lessons that we can apply today.  Here are some of the things I've picked up from her tale:

1. Rebekah was not actively out looking for a man.  She wasn't trying to be found.  She wasn't attending seminars on how to be sexier.  She wasn't interested in running game on the playas.  Rebekah was about her own business...

2. Rebekah was approachable. It would have been well within her abilities to totally ignore the servant. She also wasn't haughty.  She didn't go with the "how dare you" routine or make it hard to learn about her personal life (within reason) even...

3. Rebekah was generous. The servant didn't approach until she had her water already...yet she didn't tell him "go get your own" but she shared what was hers...

4. Rebekah was consumed with service. She went beyond "beyond" by serving his camels. She didn't say "here's my jar. Do it yourself. I'm tired!" But she far exceeded the call.  As a point of fact, the Bible says she went about helping quickly and even ran!  How many people do you see who run to help someone else?

What was the result? Stunned silence at first.  Worshipping God in thanks at the last.  What was her outcome? Stability, wealth and a place among the great Matriarchs of the faith.

Forgive the extra-long blog.  I just thought it was interesting.  I am not suggesting that you let dudes live with you on your couch, pay for all your dates or loan Pookie some cash until he gets on his feet.  HOWEVER...There is a LOT to be said for a woman who is kind, giving, patient and concerned for someone's well-being outside of her own.  That's all I'm saying.  I think this story is a tremendous model.  

Now let the eyeball rolling, neck jerking and finger popping begin!  I love my sisters and I want the best for you.  The "attitude" may not take you very far, however.  Anger isn't attractive.  A gentle smile and a little kindness will work far better.  Men are always watching and assessing.   Just like the Servant.  What do men see when they look at you?

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Are You Worthy of My Heart?

By Guest Blogger, Melissa Rich

I am speaking to men AND women here. Do you know how fragile an “open” heart really is? Do you have what it takes to nurture it and care for it tenderly and with deep concern? I’m not talking about broken people, I’m talking about people who open their heart to love and trust another human being and that person shatters their trust. Are you worthy of my heart?

Do you understand that even though I may appear strong, the very fact that I have committed my life to you is an indication that you can likely hurt me deeper than any other human being on the face of the earth? Your words cut deeper and your “looks” pierce my soul. I have freely given you the secrets of my heart, soul and mind. I have permitted you to see my imperfections and inadequacies. I have laid myself bare before you and you know my every flaw. Are you worthy of my heart?

I spent late nights talking with you and sharing my deepest fears and most painful experiences. I let my guard down enough for you to see that I too bleed. I trusted that you could handle not only my strength but also my weakness. I gave you an open door to my thought process and intentions.  I shared with you my deepest dreams and desires. I showed you the window to my soul and now I feel naked before you. Are you worthy of my heart?

An open heart is the most fragile thing on the earth. When one entrusts their deepest self to another expecting that things will always and forever remain as they were when the decision was first made; to open my heart and offer you a very unique place that only one human being will hold is an honor. Do you see it as such or do you take it for granted? Do you know how to love in such a way that you grasp the significance of an open heart? Have you experienced enough true love in your life to understand the responsibility that you are taking on when you encourage an open heart? Are you worthy of my heart?

Both, men and women, under God, need to really consider and understand that depth and validity of loving with God’s heart. When a person opens their heart to you, you now have a responsibility to protect what GOD has entrusted to you, whether the relationship continues or not.  Understanding how deeply God values that individual and how seriously He takes it when we treat one another carelessly. To overlook such a simple thing is to forget the very basics of who we profess to be. The love of God covers, it doesn’t expose and traumatize. It enfolds and protects, it doesn’t pretend to have no responsibility. Are you worthy of my heart?

So before you run out and fall in “love”…ask yourself these questions; do you know how to protect and cover another persons’ nakedness? Can they be naked and not ashamed with you…even when you are angry with them? Can they trust you with the part of them that when mishandled can undermine their entire being? Can you be trusted with a human heart?  Each one of us must ask ourselves this question. It isn’t about what you can get from another person; they have needs, too.  Can you and are you willing to be responsible with the seriousness that comes from someone giving you their heart? Are YOU worthy of “THEIR” heart?

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Courageous Conversations

Originally Posted by Advanced Training Institute International

How to resolve conflicts through clear communication

Husbands, wives, parents, children, friends, neighbors, employers—relationships fill our lives. They require the investments of time and care, especially when conflicts arise. A courageous conversation is an effective tool that you can use to resolve relational conflicts.

Ten questions are involved in a courageous conversation. Using these questions to guide your discussion, you willaddress (1) the pressing issue, (2) the consequences of the issue, (3) the responsibilities of those involved, and (4) the hopes and plans for improving the future.

Most people don’t feel safe enough to talk about their deepest needs and fears, because they know that few people are willing to try to listen from another person’s perspective. A courageous conversation can create an atmosphere of patient listening that blends the elements of mercy and truth, thus facilitating deeper communication.

One definition of intimacy is “in to me see.” When we look through another person’s eyes and try to see as he sees, we can begin to understand why he is behaving the way he is behaving. Then both of you can look at the truth together and each one will be challenged to make the necessary changes to resolve the issue. This attitude of seeking to understand each other and to work together to bring a solution is the key to the success of courageous conversations.

There are three goals for a courageous conversation:

1. To gain wisdom to see from a bigger perspective. Your perspective will broaden when you listen sincerely to others and when you seek God’s viewpoint about an issue.
2. To gain understanding that will establish trust in the relationship. When you try to see a situation from another person’s perspective, you can usually understand why he behaves as he does. In an environment of mercy, he will be free to share his heart and encouraged to honestly face the truth about his perspective of the issue.
3. To gain knowledge so that you can take the next step. When you have gained wisdom and understanding, God will grant the knowledge of His will to resolve any issue.

A courageous conversation often comes up without any invitation or planning. When it becomes apparent that there is a problem because someone seems hurt or feels frustrated with his efforts to communicate, it’s time to begin a courageous conversation. Watch for these cues, and be quick to humble yourself and initiate the process of understanding the root issues.

1. “What is your most pressing issue?”

Begin by humbly asking about the most pressing issue: “What I hear you saying is that your most pressing issue is . . . .”

2. “In addition to this issue, is there something else?”

The goal of asking this question is to get to the root issue, because many people are unable to describe their most pressing needs. Listen to what the frustrated person has to say, and try to see if one of the following two root issues is causing his intense feelings:

• Fear of Rejection—An issue or person is making him feel like he is unacceptable, and consequently he doesn’t feel good about himself.
• Fear of Failure—An issue or person is making him feel inadequate.

If it is appropriate, and if you sense that the person is open to discussing these issues, you may ask if these fears are the root problems. Otherwise, go ahead and discuss the issue that he identified as the most pressing one.

Write down the most pressing issue, because all of the other questions will refer to it. If there is more than one issue, ask which is the most pressing. You can effectively deal with only one issue at a time.

3. “How is this issue affecting you?”

When you ask this question, listen closely to the response and try to put yourself in the other person’s place. Take the brunt of his intense emotions, and do not defend yourself. Instead, grieve with him over the hurt that you or others have inflicted on him. Such a response on your part will enable you to see how serious the issue really is and how it affects you and those around you.

It is important for you to express an understanding of how they feel. When people feel that they are heard and cared for, they can begin to move on to resolving their issues. To express your understanding, rephrase what you heard the person say—to his satisfaction.

4. “What will the future be like if nothing changes?”

At this point in the conversation, you will see the high cost of doing nothing. Do not gloss over what you hear; stop and truly consider the issue as it is perceived by the other person. As you take this step, both of you will be motivated to resolve the issue.

Once again, rephrase what you heard the other person say. If he is not satisfied with your understanding, be patient as he again verbalizes his thoughts so that you can truly understand.

5. “What do you see as my responsibility in this issue?”

This question opens up the opportunity to really understand the heart of the other person as he shares his real needs. If you begin to explain, complain, or blame him in response to what he says, the conversation will fail. You need to show a willingness to humble yourself and to seek after Christ’s righteousness, instead of defending your own righteousness.

Try to express the heart of the other person by rephrasing what he has said, to his satisfaction. If you have further insights about your responsibilities, be willing to share them with him to reveal that you understand the issue.

6. “What do you see as your responsibility in this issue?”

This question may take him by surprise, since he has probably been looking at himself as a victim instead of seeing thathe also has responsibility in the situation. Allowing him to share the responsibility for resolving the issue is a turning point in the conversation.

7. “What does the preferable future look like to you?”

Now it is time to focus on what could be and should be. You will find hope for a solution as you agree on a desired future and begin to share a vision that restores your enthusiasm and sense of partnership. God will begin to help you see the future as He sees it, filled with plans for good and not for evil.

8. “What is the most powerful thing that we can agree to ask God for?”

Since the personal responsibilities and the preferable future have been discussed, it is time to decide how you will pursue that future. Will you seek to resolve the issue in your own strength, or will you rely on the power of God to fill you and enable you to walk in His ways of harmony, responsibility, and peace? You now have the opportunity to cast your burdens on the Lord and seek His aid for living in full restoration. “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee” (Psalm 55:22).

9. “Based on what we have learned so far, what is the one thing we cannot fail to do?”

Identify a basic action that will help you correct the behavior that led to your conflict. Focus on the main thing that will make a difference if you do it with consistency and excellence. Ask, “What is the one thing that we cannot fail to do, or everything else will be rendered inconsequential?”

The objective you agree on should be understood by everyone involved. It can be an idea such as, “We cannot fail to communicate.” Identify the objective that will help you move toward the preferable future and set you on the path to peace with each other.

10. “What practical steps must we take to make this happen?”

Now is the time to talk about the things you can do to make your objectives happen. These are activities you can plan out—you know who is supposed to do what by when. These are the highly leveraged steps that produce great results.

May God grant you the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding that you may walk worthy of His noble calling and produce fruit that will stand the test of eternity as you make noble plans and carry out noble deeds.

This article is adapted with permission from materials by Chris Hogan.

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Meeting Your Wife’s Seven Basic Needs

by Advanced Training Institute International

(You can read about meeting your husband's needs here!) 

As a husband, it is your responsibility to nurture and cherish your wife, to instruct your wife, and to meet her needs. You are to love your wife as you love yourself. (See Ephesians 5:22-29, 33.) As you gain insight about your wife’s needs, it is imperative that you take steps to fully meet those needs. As you love your wife as Christ loves the Church, she will be motivated to reverence you. (See Ephesians 5:33.)

Following is a description of seven basic needs of a wife, accompanied by projects that can serve as tools to equip you to be a Godly husband, one who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church. “He that loveth his wife loveth himself”(Ephesians 5:28).

1. A wife needs a husband who demonstrates spiritual leadership.

A husband can lead his wife in her spiritual journey by consistently pursuing a deeper relationship with Christ, honoring Scriptural convictions, making wise decisions, and demonstrating genuine love. As your wife sees you establish Godly standards in your life, she will be motivated to set similar standards in her life and to submit to your leadership.

Maintain Biblical Disciplines

How are you striving to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord? (See II Peter 3:18.) Review the following list. Which of these activities could be observed in your life? Which of these activities should be observed in your life?

1. Regular reading and study of God’s Word
2. Consistent memorization of Scripture
3. Daily meditation on Scripture
4. Faithfulness in prayer
5. Regular church attendance
6. Fellowship with committed Christians
7. Conversation about spiritual matters

Ask the Lord to show you how to increase in Godliness. As you establish personal goals for spiritual maturity, ask a brother in the Lord to hold you accountable for reaching those goals.

Live by Scriptural Convictions

What evidences of Scriptural convictions do you have or purpose to have? Set aside a period of time in which you can document your convictions and the basis for each one. Here are some examples:

• Demonstrating love for God by loving your wife, children, and others. (See I John 4:20.)
• Purposing to make your home a center of Godly learning and living. (See Psalm 101.)
• Avoiding actions or activities that might cause your wife, children, or others to stumble. (See Romans 14.)

It is not enough to simply identify Scriptural convictions; you must be determined to make decisions that are guided by those convictions and standards. Be an example of obedience and faithfulness to your wife as you uphold Godly convictions in your family.

Do these obstacles hinder your consistent obedience to Godly standards?

• Wrong priorities
• Pride
• Guilt from past failures
• Lack of wisdom
• Losing your temper
• Bondage to enslaving habits
• Influence by, and attention to, television
• Companionship with wrong friends

Determine steps to overcome obstacles and walk in the victory that has been purchased for you by the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Demonstrate Genuine Love

Your wife needs to see a demonstration of genuine love in everything you say and do. Let the prayer of the Apostle Paul to the church in Philippi be your guide: “I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; that ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ; being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11).

List the ways that you demonstrate love to your wife. Then ask her to explain which ones do or do not express love to her, and why.

2. A wife needs to know she is meeting her husband’s vital needs.

A wife finds security and purpose in knowing that she is meeting needs in her husband’s life that no other woman can meet. She needs to know that she is precious in his eyes. (See Genesis 2:18, 21-23.)

The scourge of a woman is jealousy—the fear of being displaced. Your wife needs to be confident not only that you love her but that you also desire her companionship and sincerely need her assistance.

Share Your Needs

Your wife needs to know that as your helpmeet, she “completes” you. (See Genesis 1:21-24.) To give your wife the satisfaction of meeting your needs, explain your needs with openness and clarity and share what she can do to meet those needs and accomplish your top priorities for the family.

It is human nature for a husband to not want to share his needs with his wife, because he doesn’t want to risk losing her admiration. However, you will win your wife’s love more effectively if you honestly share both your failures and your successes.

Thoughtfully Praise Your Wife

Is your wife now meeting needs in your life that no other woman can meet? Compile a list, share your insights with your wife, and express gratefulness to her for meeting those exclusive needs. Here are a few examples to consider as you compile your own unique list:

• She can give you the joy of a physical relationship without guilt. (See Proverbs 5:19-20.)
• She is a safeguard to your hasty decisions because of her need for security and consistency.
• She discerns the real needs of the children.

3. A wife needs a husband who cherishes her.

Cherish means “to protect and love (a person)” and “to care for tenderly; nurture.” A wife needs reassurance that her husband cherishes her, valuing her above all other people, possessions, or activities. Your wife needs to know that your delight in her goes beyond the things she can do for you. If she does not feel cherished, she becomes insecure.

List the character qualities and personality traits that first attracted you to your wife. You may want to write this list in your prayer journal, as a reminder to intercede for your wife in regard to her weaknesses and as a reminder of reasons you “rejoice with the wife of thy youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

Deepen Your Wife’s Security Through Acceptance

A wife needs to know that her husband accepts her “unchangeables,” especially the ones she herself has difficulty accepting. You have a unique opportunity to love your wife by helping her learn the Scriptural basis of self-acceptance.

List any unchangeable physical features, family circumstances, and past experiences that your wife finds difficult to accept, such as a physical handicap, poverty, or divorced parents. Ask the Lord to show you how each of these unchangeables has produced or strengthened in your wife character qualities or attitudes that you admire. Share these insights with your wife and help her understand ways that God has benefited her life through those situations that were, or are, beyond her control.

4. A wife needs a husband who protects her.

A wife wants her husband to be alert to her spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical strengths and weaknesses and to lovingly provide wise direction and security.

Scripture instructs husbands to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge,” giving honor unto them “as unto the weaker vessel.” (See I Peter 3:7.) A wife needs to be well understood, so that her husband can discern when to be firm and when to be lenient.

Establish Appropriate Boundaries

Your wife especially needs your protection in the form of establishing boundaries so that she will fulfill her responsibilities within appropriate limitations. Work with your wife to discern her top priorities and ensure that she has the time and resources needed to fulfill her responsibilities.

Does your wife need your protection through the loving provision of boundaries in any of the following areas?

• Lack of sleep
• Unfinished projects
• Inappropriate clothing
• Poor eating habits
• Neglecting personal appearance
• Tardiness
• Destructive self-criticism
• Volunteering

5. A wife needs to have intimate communication with her husband.

A wife yearns for intimate communication with her husband. Intimate conversation is a key factor in maintaining oneness of spirit in your marriage. Your wife needs to know that she can safely share her deepest emotions with you.

You would be wise to establish a regular time to invest in your wife by giving her your undivided attention. Your investment will earn an amazing return!

Set Aside Time for Talking Together

Have you and your wife established a regular time to have uninterrupted, intimate conversation? If not, make it a priority to discuss that goal with your wife within the week. (Your enthusiasm about the idea will bless your wife, but you may have to persuade her to make the commitment to give you her undivided attention, especially if she tends to be a diligent wife and mother.) Persevere. It’s worth it.

Consider places your wife would enjoy going in order to have special time with you:

• Breakfast at ________________.
• Lunch at ___________________.
• At home during ______________.

Acknowledge distractions that frequently hinder intimate conversation when you and your wife are together:

• Having your mind on other things
• Phone calls
• Talking to friends you meet
• Loud music or other irritating noises
• Interruptions by the children

Ask the Lord to make you alert and sensitive to distractions, and purpose to avoid them or eliminate them, whichever would be most appropriate.

Address Fears and Concerns

Most wives have deep fears and emotions that they have never shared with their husbands. It is your responsibility tolovingly and patiently help your wife identify and verbalize her fears and gain wisdom from God to resolve them.

During your times of intimate conversation, consider choosing one of the areas listed below and asking her how she feels about it. After listening attentively to her initial response, ask, “In addition to that, do you have any other feelings about it?”

• Insecurity if her husband dies
• Growing old
• Becoming unattractive to her husband
• Poor health
• Failure as a wife and mother
• Being displaced by another woman
• Husband losing his job
• Future of the children

As your wife confides in you, admitting her fears, ask the Lord to give you wisdom to help her resolve each one, through Christ.

6. A wife needs a husband who honors her.

A wife needs to know that her husband honors her. You can honor your wife in many ways, such as being attentive during conversation, using good manners, and praising her.

Practice Good Manners

Review the following list of good manners. If you are not practicing some of them, make a conscious effort to practice the habits that would particularly bless your wife.

• Making her aware of your schedule and priorities
• Being punctual
• Refraining from using crude language
• Personal cleanliness, neatness, and grooming
• Lifting heavy objects for her
• Seating her at the table
• Putting your dirty laundry in its proper place
• Helping her on and off with her coat

Be Attentive

Make a commitment to be attentive to your wife. For example, when she asks you a question, stop what you are doing, look at her, answer her question (even the little ones), and communicate your love for her through your tone of voice as well as your facial expression.

7. A wife needs a husband who invests in her life.

A wife needs her husband’s support and encouragement to learn new skills and broaden her field of interests. Your wife needs to know that you do not take her for granted and that you are eager to invest in her life spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially.

Offer Support and Encouragement

Your wife needs your active leadership in your relationship. Consider the suggestions below, and invest in your wife’s life as the Holy Spirit shows you specific ways that you can support and encourage her.

1. Provide opportunities for her to develop her gifts, skills, and talents. This may involve opportunities within your family, your church, or your community. Be sensitive to your wife’s desire for more training, if she would like to pursue new areas of service.
2. Together, define the responsibilities that each of you has in your family.
3. Visualize how you can add new dimensions to her responsibilities so that she can recognize the future value, and eternal value, of what she is presently doing.

Seek to Meet Your Wife’s Needs

When you entered the covenant of marriage with your wife, you made a lifelong commitment to love her, which includes meeting her needs as your wife. Such a commitment demands faithfulness, endurance, and love that is willing to make sacrifices. Rely on God’s grace and wisdom as you seek to become a Godly husband who understands his wife’s needs and successfully fulfills his responsibilities.

If you need help determining whether you are the kind of man who can appreciate this kind of woman, you need this teaching...

Order your copy today here: http://store.payloadz.com/details/1874100-audio-books-relationships-10-things-to-consider-about-a-man.html

In the mean time, as you work this out, learn to be humble and strong enough to change. As we've talked about before, there's nothing wrong with giving a little ground to get along better.  It doesn't make you any less of a person nor any weaker of a person.  God bless!


Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com Phone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/ Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful. All material © Copyright, Mark Anthony McCray unless otherwise noted! He can be reached in the following ways: Mark@LiveBIGDieEmpty.com Phone: 281-846-5720 Twitter: @LiveBIGDieEmpty Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/LiveBIGDieEmpty LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/markanthonymccray/ Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/103149858138414160703/posts YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/markanthonymccray Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/markmccray/ Click HERE for information on Mark as a speaker or presenter and HERE to learn about coaching programs to help you realize your potential and live more prosperously!

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