Sex & The Saved Couple

Have you ever noticed how you can see sex on TV morning, Noon and night these days, but it's ALMOST NEVER BETWEEN MARRIED PEOPLE???

The saints need to stop being so scary to talk about stuff! This is hilarious to me because (1) I've never advocated sex outside of the marriage context on this page and (2) half of y'all are doing this stuff and more already anyway!

Why have we let something God designed become totally taken over by the devil? Husbands need to be more caring and affectionate and wives need to be more adventurous... at least that's what I hear ALL THE TIME so there must be some truth to it.

I'm just trying to free some people from guilt and from having other peoples' morals projected onto them. The BIBLE is silent in so many ways. We have to let the Holy Spirit in us speak sometimes. There is a lot of latitude for people to make their own decisions about what's permissible between them as a husband and a wife. They should both be happy about those choices.

The most important thing is to talk before marriage so that there is no mismatch in expectations.

When you start to feel like they could have real, honest long-term "the one" potential you've got to risk these kinds of conversations. It could go horribly. I understand. However, you've got to know where each other stands and sooner is better than later. These conversations are MUCH HARDER after marriage because now you both feel trapped. Gotta do it when you start to feel like he or she could be the Mr. or Mrs.

One Warning: Drawing a lot of lines and restrictions is one of the WORST things a married woman can do, in my view, and YES, I mean that will everything in me! Most husbands aren't going to see a "no" as anything except a rejection/a boundary and THE LAST THING a husband wants are boundaries. They are interpreted as disrespect. They are seen as a lack of availability to him. A husband wants to feel like HE OWNS that wife. Bottom line. Therefore, I think wives should be very, very careful and quite judicious with drawing boundary lines and if it's going to be an issue YOU OWE HIM to make those lines clear BEFORE HE EVEN PROPOSES TO YOU!

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Eternal Singleness? - Part One in Our "Resurrecting Marriage" Series

(This is the first in a series of works - a mission - to promote courtship, marriage and re-marriage within the Body of Christ. We have to fight this "Epidemic of Singleness" before the casualties continue to mount!

Therefore, please don't be offended with some of the next topics. I am going to take more chances by getting into sex, adultery, blending families, roles, finances, and more. Why? Because too many people are avoiding getting married for the wrong reasons and too many people are leaving marriages for even worse reasons!!)

Now from Guest Blogger, DAWN BEDINGFIELD, a woman of great wisdom...

Soon after I divorced, I met a great guy. We are still friends today. I had two young children, and their father was a great man, we were just not great together through no real fault of either one of us.

This man I was dating saw very soon into the relationship (we were never intimate) that I was great marriage material, but was probably not headed in the direction he was going: marriage. He approached me with his concern letting me know that he only dates in pursuit of marriage. I was just as forthright. I had just gotten out of a (what I considered long...only seven yrs) exhausting marriage and was not ready to go there again. Looking back I don't know whether this great guy would have been a great husband for me; but, I know for certain that over the span of 10 yrs, rejecting four marriage proposals, and delaying at least two more to the point of men giving up on me altogether, has been the biggest decision making mistake I have made. And it has affected every area of my life in a way I never would have desired.

Why you may ask? Because it is so much easier to get back into the flow of compromise and submission sooner after divorce than later, younger than older. When you still feel you need a mate, rather than when you have overcome so many things, good, bad, beautiful and ugly, that you know you can handle it without one.

Why you may ask? Because as the scripture you refer to in Timothy states, my dating choices and experiences went from good to bad to abominable in a span of months! My friendship and social choices became shameful. My financial world came tumbling to the ground around me in less than two years. My spiritual life defined in one phrase, "Believer behaving badly."

Why you may ask? Because an intelligent, bright, attractive woman in her late twenties who had been married all of her adult life needs to remain covered, especially when she has young children. She needs positive and clear direction of her energies and ambitions otherwise they not only get misguided, but taken advantage of. Before I looked up and gotten my head together, 10 yrs had passed, I had TWO children outside of wedlock with TWO DIFFERENT men, I'd lost a home, been homeless twice, gone through another dozen relationships, one suicide attempt, fought to keep my family together even though I eventually ended up sending the two oldest to live with my former husband...need I go on???

And as time passed, I [insanely, based on society's mantra, "I can do bad all by myself"] saw less and less need for a mate; and NO ONE encouraged me to surrender to marriage except my best friend at the time (who had betrayed me so many times and seemed so desperate for a husband I didn't trust), and ONE man I'd dated, who called me outright selfish. He was a doctor and much older, and I surely didnt see myself worthy enough for this prominent man to give my children and I the life he had. It was too late for that. I was too broken by that time and not yet re-fashioned by God, in spite of, by this time, all that I had come through, learned and achieved; but, I was getting there and this friend was the catalyst to get the ball rolling.

Today I am certainly great marriage material and have an endless list of things to bring to a relationship including knowledge and wisdom and experience and creativity. But unfortunately at this point in my life, after raising one son and daughter into adulthood, a host of personal and professional experiences that make me both wise and accomplished beyond my years (and those of most potential mates), and a busy lifestyle that leaves little to no time for social activities where I can meet potential mates, I fear that the past choices Ive made have brought me to the one sacrifice that I'd never intended: eternal singleness.

(In the next part, we'll share some of the negative impacts of singleness and divorce in our society. You DEFINITELY need to read this if you're even considering divorce!)

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

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You Can't Handle the Truth!!!

A friend of mine asked whether men and women can accept the truth from a partner without becoming upset, offended or lashing out. For me, it's more about Proverbs 15:1 and Proverbs 25:11.



Sometimes it's all about finesse: the skillful handling of a situation (Webster's Dictionary). There is an art to communication and when it's done well, it's a beautiful thing.

There's always a way to say anything. Sometimes people aren't rejecting the truth as much as your presentation of it. That may be fine if you're Isaiah the Prophet. However, if this is someone you plan on coming home to, you're going to have to learn how to communicate "truth" with much more care and finesse.

Also, always remember this: just because you want to say it, doesn't mean they need to hear it. Never lie or cover up, but be careful of your motives. Make sure your words are grace-filled and building up your brother and your sister...even (and especially) when you've been asked for the truth!

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

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Top Ten Ways to Know You Don't Have the Gift of Singleness

I tell people all the time that unless you're circling the globe preaching, teaching and converting people to Christ, you most likely don't have the gift of singleness. Here are some other ways to know!

10. You find yourself wishing you had a hug. Maybe even right now.
9. You like the idea of building a life with another person and being their support.
8. You feel like your family is incomplete...or you want to start one.
7. Netflix on a Friday night is getting old. Really old.
6. You miss having somebody to talk to and pray with at the end of a long day.
5. Hanging out with just your "boys" or "the girls" ain't doing it for you anymore.
4. You know you can contribute more to the kingdom in partnership with another.
3. Trying to remember when you had your last date just pisses you off.
2. You appreciate sharing financial burdens and planning together.
1. You're still screwing...don't plan to stop...or wish you were.

(Because it's virtually impossible to Live Big Die Empty with jacked up relationships.)

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

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Questions...Questions...Questions...Final Exam Time!

Look, I know these last few blogs have been BORING!!!! I get it. It's been all about questions and talking and hard work and all that! I hate even typing them up so I know some of you hate reading them. There's some great stuff in Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3, however, but I'm going to end it here before I make people angry!

I feel like we can stop here. Here are the final questions in the series covering topics such as religion, race and ethnicity, education, culture and class and more!!

EXTENDED FAMILIES

103. Are you close to your family?
104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?
105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?
106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past; the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?
107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other’s families?
106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?
109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

FRIENDS

111. Do you have a best friend?
112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?
113. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?
114. If your friends need you, are you there for them?
115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?
116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?
117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?
118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

PETS

119. Are you an animal lover?
120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?
121. Is your attitude; Love me, love my dog, cat?
122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?
123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?
124. Do you consider pets members of your family?
125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner’s relationship with a pet?
126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

POLITICS

127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?
128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?
128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?
130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?
131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?
132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women's rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).
133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNITY

134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?
135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?
136. Do you regularly participate in community projects?
137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?
138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?
139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?

CHARITY

140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?
142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the haves of the world to help the have-nots?
143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MILITARY

144. Have you served in the military?
145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?
146. Would you want your children to serve in the military?
147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?
148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

THE LAW

149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?
150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?
151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?
152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?
153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?
154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.
156. Do you believe it’s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?
156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?
157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEDIA

158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?
159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?
100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?
161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

RELIGION

162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?
185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?
166. Do you believe in life after death?
167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?
169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?
170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?
173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

CULTURE

174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?
175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?
176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it's because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?)
177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home?
178. What is your favorite style of music?
179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians?
180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows?
181. Do you like to dance?
182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment?
183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LEISURE

184. What is your idea of a fun day?
185. Do you have a hobby that is important to you?
186. Do you enjoy spectator sports?
187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports?
168. What activities do you enjoy that do not involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities?
189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?
190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?
191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you will do something wrong or people won't have a good time?
193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?
194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?
195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?
196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Alternatively, do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?
197. Are you usually the life of the party," or do you dislike being singled out for attention?
198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the others behavior at a social function?
199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS

286. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?
201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?
202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?
203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

TRAVEL / VACATIONS

204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?
205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?
206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?
207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it's wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?
206. Do you think it's important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?
209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

EDUCATION

210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?
211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?
212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn’t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?
213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?
214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

TRANSPORTATION

215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?
216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your castle?
217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?
218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?
219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?
220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?
221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?
222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNICATION

223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?
224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?
225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?
226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?
227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?
228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?
229. Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEALTIME
230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?
231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?
233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?
234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?
235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?
236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

GENDER ROLES

237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?
238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?
239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by equality.
340. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?
341. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it was done well?
242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?

RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES

243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?
244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?
245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?
246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?
247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We are not born biased, we learn it, and it’s important to trace where it was learned.)
248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?
249. What were your family’s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?
250. Is it important to you that your partner share your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?
251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LIVING EVERY DAY

252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?
213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?
254. Are you a physically affectionate person?
255. What is your favorite season of the year?
256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?
258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?
256. How much sleep do you need every night?
260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?
261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?
262. What makes you angry? What do you do when you are really angry?
263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?
264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?
265. What makes you most secure?
266. Do you fight fair? How do you know?
267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?
268. What is your greatest limitation?
269. What is your greatest strength?
270. What most stands in the way of you creating a passionate and caring marriage?
271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?
272. What makes you most afraid?
273. What drains you of your joy and passion?
274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?
275. What makes your heart smile in tough times?
276. What makes you feel the most alive?

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

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Great Questions to Ask Before Marrying!? - Part 3

As I said in the blogs, one reason for a high failure rate in marriages is how little people talk before getting hitched! We talk about music, TV shows, sports, etc. but so little about faith, life, expectations, work.... It's great to share common interests, but there are millions of other San Antonio Spurs fans, to use a personal example, and I can't marry someone based on my love of basketball. We've got to do a better job of making sure people we want to be with long-term share our values systems!

You have to prepare to be married!

As promised, this set of questions look at the diet/health, looks and parenting approach questions!! How important are your partner's looks to you?? These should be good! Remember to look over Part 1 and Part 2 for the rest of the series!

HEALTH

57. How would you describe the current state of your health?
58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?
58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?
60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?
61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?
62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?
63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes?
64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?
65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
66. Have you ever been in a serious accident?
67. Do you take medication?
68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
69. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
70. Do you see a therapist?
71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?
72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?
73. How much alcohol do you drink every week?
74. Do you use recreational drugs?
75. Do you have a medical problem that affects your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?
76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

APPEARANCE

77. How important is it that you always look your best?
78. How important is your spouse appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical type?
70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?
80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?
81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?
82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?
83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?
84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?
85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or chemistry ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

PARENTHOOD

86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?
88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?
88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?
90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?
91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?
92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?
94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child’s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?
96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?
96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
97. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child’s friends?
98. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
99. How would you handle it if you didn't like your child's friends?
100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?
101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it’s your choice, or does your partner have a say?
102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

In the final post of this series, Part 4, we look at religion, race and ethnicity, education, culture and class and more!!

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Great Questions to Ask Before Marrying!? - Part 2

As promised in Part 1, here are the Sex and Relationship questions! You might consider printing these out and using them as a conversation piece over dinner or coffee! That way you can use me as the bad guy! Say it's my fault for bringing these up! These are the good ones...

I rarely read AskMen.com but I found an article that shared some great advice for all of us...

In the early stages of a relationship, talking about an ex should be completely off-limits. They just aren't relevant to the new thing you have going on. Later, as you start to find out more about each other, references to past boyfriends/girlfriends should be limited -- ideally to just a name, a time and a description of why it ended.

It's important to show you aren't still emotionally involved in the relationship, which means you shouldn't recount every little thing she did to hurt you. When giving a reason for the breakup, stick to generalities, such as “We were heading in different directions” or “We just outgrew each other,” rather than a blow-by-blow account of every argument you had.

Don't overplay all the bad points of past relationships in an attempt to show the new girl you're over an ex. You'll come across as bitter and still stuck on it. This also sends warning signals to her that if the two of you break up it could be a nasty, drawn-out process.

Good stuff. But, still, at some point I've learned you need to lay your cards on the table honestly.

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY

33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?
34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?
35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?
36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?
37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you are not proud of?
36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship?
39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?
40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?
41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?
42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn’t go through with the wedding?
43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?
44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?

SEX

45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.
46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?
48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?
50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try to help you feel better?
51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to keep the peace? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to keep the peace?
52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?
54. How often do you need or expect sex?
55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?
56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

Next time...in Part 3...the diet/health, looks and parenting approach questions!! How important are your partner's looks to you?? These should be good!

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

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Great Questions to Ask Before Marrying!? - Part 1

I was watching Tyler Perry's incredibly average and boring as heck new movie, Good Deeds, or something and even though it wasn't supposed to be a comedy, it made me laugh more than once! When Gabrielle Union and Tyler are breaking up, she reveals to him that she doesn't even want to have kids! Wow! Really? They live together and are days or weeks from getting married and this is just now coming up?

It's amazing how little some couples discuss before making the most important decision of their lives!

Here's what I'm going to do about it! Here are some great questions to talk about with your special someone. These should make for some great conversations and lead to more real intimacy if you answer with transparency. Good luck and be blessed!

WORK

1. Are you working on your chosen field?
2. How many hours a week do you work?
3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)
4. What is your dream job?
5. Have you ever been called a workaholic?
6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
7. Have you ever been fired?
8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?
10. Has your work ever been a factor in the break-up of a relationship?

HOME

11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?
13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condominium living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?
14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?
15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?
16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?
17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?
19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
20. What is your annual income?
21. Do you pay alimony or child support?
22 Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?
23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person's salary?
25. Who should handle the finances in your family?
26. Do you have significant debts?
27. Do you gamble?
28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?
29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?
30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you are on a tight budget?
31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?
32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?


Next time...in Part 2...the sex and relationship questions!!

Please leave me your comments so I know how to serve you better!! If this was helpful, forward it to a friend. Talk to you soon! Please subscribe and visit me on my Live BIG! Die Empty. Facebook page!!

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The (False) Gospel of Singleness

I am kind of betwixt on all the talk about celibacy and abstinence among Christians. One the one hand, I get it. I really do. I know that the Bible teaches to flee sexual sin. That we must do. On the other hand, we're generally aiming the message at people who are in the most sexually-charged, hormone-flooded, biological clock ticking years of their lives.

When you add to the discussion that many of the same people will go on and on about "19 Reasons to Leave Him" and "The 7 Red Flags of a Relationship" it looks like we are simultaneously preaching the gospel of singleness and frustrating our very natures - to pair up and to procreate. How is it that all our "experts" have to say is "Girrrrrrl, stay single!" and at the same time "Girrrrrlllll, you betta not be having sex!" while pages on the calendar continue to turn.

Quite simply, it all seems askew to me. Shouldn't we shift the dialogue towards more of HOW to be in relationships? Hear what I'm saying. I am not arguing that everybody needs to find a No-Tell Motel and start screwing. I'm saying we probably need to SHORTEN the amount of time we stay single. Most of the best couples with the longest marriages are the ones who just met and pulled the trigger anyway. We're spending a lot of energy working against nature.

Bottom line: we spend too much time single. It's time to start encouraging people to marry again.

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I Bet Boaz Had a Beer Belly

"He needs to be light-skinned or bi-racial so my daughters can have good hair."

"He needs to be tall so I can wear high heels all the time. At least 6'2"."

"He needs to be a professional athlete because they make a lot of money and I don't want to work."

"I refuse to sign a pre-nup. If things go bad, I want half. I'll work if he wants me to, but not at a job that makes a lot of money."

"I'm going to live in New York. So he's got to be fine with that."

How do you measure a good man? These are quotes from a 14-year old I know that is currently receiving some RE-EDUCATION about what a good man looks like from yours truly! But it's not like I don't hear these words almost every day. I didn't want to hear them from her, but I wasn't surprised!

I mean... everybody talks about wanting Boaz, but what do you think Boaz looked like? I bet he had a little bit of a gut. Dude was middle-aged wasn't he? The chances of him looking like [insert your favorite eye candy here - I ain't going there!] are very slim!

Let's go down YOUR LIST of requirements in a man, Miss Single Christian Woman!

* Attractive and at least 6'1" without shoes so I can wear my heels
* Weighs between 195 and 225 lbs and a low BMI
* White teeth or willing to invest in a procedure within two weeks
* Credit score of 730 or better
* Earns at $85,000 annually plus bonuses
* Has been on his job for more than five years
* Speaks in a holy tongue...none of those unholy ones
* He can drink a little as long as it's no more than 6 ounces of a beverage with less than 6% ABV per month
* He must be a Fred Hammond fan. Donnie McClurkin, too!
* He must not listen to any secular music made after 1985
* Must drive a luxury sports sedan - foreign preferred but not required
* Must not ask me to relocate, change churches, or change my side of the bed
* Must like my hair the way it is because "I don't change for no man"
* Must have an undergraduate degree from an accredited college and at least 12 hours in post-graduate work with a 3.25 GPA. Transcripts required
* Can be a member of Facebook, but must not have more than 45% of Friends be female or he is a dog. Otherwise, all social networking accounts must be deleted upon third date...if accounts remain active, all Profile Pics must include both of us.
* My Pastor is the best Pastor, so you must submit to him or you are not of God

Now...how many of these would appear on God's list of a "good man" for you? I can tell you this...I'm concerned most that my daughter marries a man who loves her, respects her and works hard to provide for and protect his family. I want him to be a man who serves God and likes Longhorn football. That's about it!

What requirements are you putting on your Boaz? Are they Godly? Are you sure?

If you can find a man who loves you and who is willing to commit to you, I suggest you look past things that are easily fixable or forgotten.

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