March 2013 ~ The Christian Relationship Blog

Why This Abstinence Thing Is Starting to Bug Me.

10:39 AM

I am about to make an open confession to which many of you will immediately think "That doesn't sound like Mark...or maybe it does? I'm confused."

I am not a huge fan of Christians celebrating years of abstinence. I don't have a magic calculation for this, but I think after a certain amount of time (years? decades?) maybe you're testifying to something negative instead of something positive - you have trouble sustaining healthy relationships that lead to long-term partnerships and marriage.

If you are single (and especially if you are a Believing Christian), you should not be having sex. Clearly there are those who have a gift of staying single and dedicating themselves to the Lord's work. Clearly these people are in the minority by gifting. At least I think so. I think the majority of the perpetually single that I'm coming across these days are hard to sustain relationships with and when those efforts blow up, they allow them the excuse that they're living for God.

Take it for what it's worth. I am not saying go get a copy of the Kama Sutra and a jumbo pack of condoms and make it happen. I'm saying focus on getting healed and into healthy relationships. This seems better and healthier to me than spending your most fruitful years trying to keep it in your pants.

Mark Anthony McCray helps people live on PURPOSE, achieve higher PERFORMANCE and experience true PROSPERITY. Be sure to subscribe to this blog so you don't miss a thing and forward this to a friend if you found it helpful.

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Talk So He'll Hear You

6:24 PM

My friend, Belinda Oliver, said "Sis, men communicate differently than we do. Do you know how to effectively communicate with that man? Can he be comfortable in YOUR presence? Can he TRUST you or do you have an AGENDA?" and it got me to thinking.

I had written "8 Keys to Talking to Men" before but felt like I could write a quick update. Some women still feel like they aren't being heard. I came bearing gifts... of wisdom. Here are some quick ways to talk so your guy will hear you... really quick:

Step 1: Get to the point QUICK AND FIRST! Fill in the details after you made your point. If he doesn't know where the talk is going, he will zone out.

Step 2: Don't think everything has to be covered at one time. It doesn't. Give it to him in little chunks.

Step 3: Don't store it all up and explode on him! He won't even remember what he "did" a month ago.

Step 4: If you want him to talk, listen. Allow some silence and he will fill it. If you never stop talking, he will never start.

Does this help? Try these out and let me know how they work for you! I want you to be heard. Really.

Pride & Singleness

7:40 AM

A lot of you are not single because you can't find anyone, but because you're too proud. You meet people, you date and you stay together for a while until... until... until they give you some feedback you don't like. That's when you decide they aren't for you. You two just aren't a match.

Being in a long-term relationship with anyone requires you to change - a lot - but the conventional wisdom these days is everybody should just take you the way you are. Right? God forbid you should have to mature, be selfless, consider other people, apologize when you're wrong or adjust your priorities!

Relationships require you to walk in a lot of humility and accommodation. Perhaps it is your unwillingness to bend that keeps you alone? Despite what all the Facebook graphics are telling you, rigidity is not a good thing.

Basically, if you don't have what you want in your life right now and find that you're never able to build anything that lasts, you probably need to change. Yes. YOU need to change.

Admit it. You still believe in fairy tales.

6:48 AM

Do you know why fairy tales are called fairy tales? They are called fairy tales because they almost all involve fairies (duh!) or some other kind of magical being. In each one of them, this magical creature sees the woeful plight of the hero or heroine and swoops in to wave a wand, cast a spell or brew a potion that saves the day. In a flash of light, all is well and everyone lives happily ever after.

Most people live like they have a fairy god mother hovering over them waiting to grant their heart's deepest desire with three wishes - especially when it comes to dating and marriage. I'm making up a new term right here, right now. From here forward I'm calling most modern Christian dating the "Someday My Prince Will Come" Method of dating. It's the "I will sit here in my tower and wait until something happens" kind of attitude. It doesn't work that way in the real world. The Lord has set up a system that relies upon sowing and reaping. It applies to everything.

The vast majority of women who confide in me that they're tired of being single also admit that they never go out on dates (even when asked), never approach or accept approaches from men and rarely go anywhere except work and church. A friend posted on my Facebook page, "I have been to many women and singles retreats and the topic of staying pure aka saving sex for marriage and waiting is always talked about and encouraged. However, the discussion of dating has not been discussed or encouraged. That's why I believe most women are stuck at home, work and church because they are waiting for their future husband to sweep them off their feet."

I agree with her. One comment I hear often is "A man will have to go through God to get to me." and it drives me CRAZY!!! How exactly is a man supposed to do that? Do you give him a basic theology quiz when he asks you out? Do you pray a couple of days before responding to his asking you to meet him for coffee? It makes no sense to me! He didn't ask you to marry him. He asked you to go to TGI Fridays!

Overall, I am at an age now where a lot of my female friends thought "Someday my prince will come" while many others took chances to get to know people. Now the ones who put off so many opportunities are regretting it. Some admit. Some don't admit. But most acknowledge that there's a good reason those stories of magical rescue are called fairy tales. It's because they happen about as often as you've seen a fairy... which is to say probably never.

Disney has screwed you up. They make good movies, but Disney is not a great relationship counselor.

Go out on a doggone date!