Dealing with Temptation

Q: Dear Mark, I am finding the temptation to have an affair overwhelming. My husband had one years ago that destroyed me and I'm still trying to recover from that. Plus, to be honest, there's the attraction. He takes my breath away. What is your perspective? I'm just trying to understand what's going on. I need to hear from a man.
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A: Thank you for writing Be Worth Finding! Here are a few things for you to think about...

1. I can understand the longing for passion and excitement and need to feel loved. I can. However, I don't see the cost as being worth it to you. Whether it's fair or right or not, once discovered, the chances of your husband accepting it are slim. Divorce is very likely. Violence is possible. Depression is probable and it could take you years to pull your life back to just an even level emotionally. Studies show it takes women 3-4 years to recover. Men, too. For you, consider at this point that you've been married more than half your life. I think it could be devastating and much more than you think.

The financial costs are tremendous, as well. I just wouldn't advise it. There are tons of articles on it. I won't retread that topic. Just know that you will probably have about half of the resources available to you that you think you'll have...and you'll be raising your children essentially alone.

2. You have unmet needs. NEEDS. Not wants. I've blogged on the topic of His Needs/Her Needs before.

If there is any possible way, please sit down with your husband and talk about NEEDS. You need affection, communication, etc. Let him know that. Bring that book maybe. Also examine honestly whether you're meeting his needs. Remember... they are needs and they are legitimate. If you're looking around, that normally means they aren't being met. He probably had some that went unmet, too.

Here's a couple of tips from the trenches... (A) ask him for a time to talk. Literally set an appointment if you must. That way he won't feel backed into a corner. Honor it. Defer your thoughts until the time. It should only be a day or two. (B) Sit down to talk. Touch each other. Hold hands or something. This makes it easier for both to listen and lessens the likelihood of tensions escalating. Hopefully this can start some dialogue that is sorely missing.

3. Your recollection concerning my other post is right. I have little respect for men who choose to go this route of pursuing married women. I have contempt for them. He's done this before. He obviously senses your desire and wants to take advantage of it. What's worse is he's hindering the happiness you could be experiencing right now! He can't give you anything but a few (dangerous) moments or he'd at least leave his wife and make an attempt at being a steady presence in your life.

Similarly on your end. If you're going to leave, most states can finalize a divorce in 60 days or so. You can wait that long. I hope. But I really hope you and your husband make one more attempt. If you need to have a counselor present, it would help a lot, I'm sure.

What do you think? If any of this sounds insensitive, I don't mean to be that way at all. I just have seen too many lives get worse instead of better as a result of affairs. I would not want you to worsen your situation or happiness.

"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~James 4:7

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"Diary of a Cheating Woman"

Watching "Diary of a Cheating Woman", a so-called documentary about the rise of women committing adultery. I have not been so embarrassed for us in a long time.  Kind of sad really.  I guess the premise is to laugh and joke about how it's okay to cheat if the guy isn't a good enough man for you - whether he was unfaithful or not.  Set aside the fact that paying back evil for evil is against everything the Word of God stands for.  Celebrating those who sin is the worst kind of sin.  I am forever ashamed for every person involved in this project.

"Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." ~1 Peter 3:9

"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable." ~Romans 12:17

"See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people." ~1 Thessalonians 5:15

To be fair, it wasn't only about the women.  There were a number of men interviewed who said they were prompted to commit adultery because of their own trust issues and/or because they learned their wives or girlfriends were already cheating.

Why am I writing about this?  Research.  These kinds of things help me understand where people are and how they think.  Also, I know for a fact that a number of my readers are dealing with these kinds of issues daily and haven't understood what the Bible has to say about these matters of the heart.  If you are okay with any of this, you need to check your heart and repent.  You are broken.

I need to wash my eyes out now.  Or maybe my ears.

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What Do Men Look for in A Woman?

I am asked quite often "Mark, what do men look for in a woman?" and it happens often enough where I should respond. I'm always trying to be honest, so I have to give two sets of answers I think: a more general response and a more candid one that answers the question more personally (with all that other stuff about my bias out of the way). Here are what I call my Top 11!

#1 - I am generally attracted to a woman who has some smarts. She doesn't have to be a genius or a doctor and her smarts don't have to be in the form of formal education. Being able to carry a conversation in a number of areas is vital!

#2 - I am generally attracted to women who have good relationships with their fathers and brothers. I don't do well with bitter people. If you still have problems with the previous men in your life, you are not for me.

#3 - A Christian. She doesn't have to be bible-thumping or preaching. But she and I should both agree that the orthodox Bible is the standard for life. We won't always meet it's requirements, but we should at least know where the line is. The Apostles Creed is a good start.

#4 - Raw physical attraction. I like a woman who looks and acts like she likes sex...just reserves it for the special man. A virgin is not required, but some virtue is required. A woman who acts like an asexual doesn't work as somebody I see myself with.

#5 - Children. I have no problem with a woman who has a kid...even two. I don't see it a major issue. Some guys do. To each his own.

#6 - (I posted this entire list before and this one had to do with a woman's physical appearance. I'm choosing to delete it here. To each his own!)

#7 - I like a woman who can be supportive, but still can come with strong suggestions when it is needed. I don't want to be allowed to swim in my own bullshit forever. For a while, maybe, but not forever. I like a woman who can push me to be a better man without needing to break me down to do it. ENCOURAGEMENT is the key.

#8 - I like a woman to have good friends. Preferable with women who aren't bitter themselves. I can't necessarily control a woman's friends. I know that. A woman has to examine her friends on her own. The Bible says that bad company corrupts good morals and that we should not be deceived in this. Bottom line: who you surround yourselves with matters.

#9 - It is important to me that a woman has access to good mentors. The Bible says that the older women should teach the younger women how to be good wives. THIS MEANS THAT GOD KNOWS IT IS NOT A NATURAL SKILL-SET. Bottom line here is that we all will do what we have seen unless we are purposeful about learning a new way.

#10 - There is a final factor having to do with leadership and roles in the household, church and etc. I am more of a traditionalist when it comes to those things.

#11 - There is a final one that is HUGE. It's companionship. There is a book called His Needs - Her Needs that gets into it. A man, me included, wants a woman that enjoys just being with him. Like every now and again actually going to a game or going fishing or doing some yardwork. Whatever. It doesn't really matter. Men need to talk to their women. Women need to do activities with their men.

Those are my thoughts. Am I missing anything?

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Looking for Reasons to Marry? Here are Six!

Marriage is under attack. Even people who want to get married, sometimes struggle with their motivations. The most committed and devout Christians have a hard time arguing for marriage anymore. It's difficult. Sometimes it feels like too much hastle to even think about it, let alone find someone with whom you can start seriously talking about it. And there are more and more people telling you it isn't necessary, it's a relic of past times, there's just no reason for it...Biblical or otherwise!

Turns out that there are (at least) six great reasons to married!  Check these out!

1. Procreation (Genesis 1:28)
2. Pleasure (Proverbs 5:18-19)
3. Partnership (Genesis 2:18)
4. Picture of the Church (Ephesians 5:25)
5. Provision for the Woman (Ephesians 5:29)
6. Purity (Hebrews 13:4)

Some people think marriage is just for procreation and, therefore, not for those who don't want children. Some think it's only about financial gain or economic stability. But the truth of the matter is marriage is a gift given by God for all of those reasons and more...even pleasure! Praise the Lord!

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This just has to be said!?

Here's something I find funny. How many times a week do I hear someone indignantly telling someone something that "just has to be said!"? How many times do you try to "set someone straight" and it's always "for their own good", right?

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." ~ Ephesians 4:29

Truthfully, very little of what "has to be said" actually has to be said. You said it for self-therapy. You feel better. You gratified your own carnal desire. You didn't measure whether your words were wholesome, needed, timely, edifying or gracious. You just went off.

I like how our old friend King James says it: "A fool uttereth all his mind, but a wise man keepeth it in until afterwards." ~Prov 29:11

Do you have friends who uttereth all their minds? Keep better company. Do you uttereth all your mind? BECOME better company. Ask yourself this: Do they really, truly need to hear it? Or do you just really, truly want to say it?   Take more care.  We're going to be held accountable for every careless word we've spoken!

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"What to Do While You're Waiting?"

We're doing it again! We had so many people join us last time and give us AWESOME feedback that we just knew that you wanted this one more time!

LaTracey Copeland & Mark Anthony McCray have partnered up to host this FREE Conference Call to encourage you, help you and teach you what to do while you're waiting!

Our Special Guest for this call will be Terry Scott of Yielding Hearts!

After so many questions from our blog readers and friends in our Facebook communities, we felt like the time was NOW to discuss this topic with our friends and talk about all the things women AND men should do to prepare for success in their relationships - how to use your season of singleness the right ways.

This will be an interactive call, so come with your questions. No topic is off limits. BRING IT! We promise to be candid, honest and real with you...all while sharing the WORD and METHODS instead of just rehashed hype.


Dial In: 1-218-936-4141
Access Code: 942-9411

8PM to 9PM CST!!!
(9PM t0 10PM EST)

This is one you'll want to join for SURE!! Be sure to RSVP so we know to expect you. I've already had to add more "seats" to the event. Talk to you then!

RSVP HERE ---> THE FACEBOOK EVENT PAGE

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The REAL Reason Men Cheat?

Men almost never cheat because sex.  Maybe about 8% of the time.  Normally it happens because of some profound unmet needs.  Statistically, it doesn't happen as much as you think either.  (Somewhere between 20% and 37% of men according to most studies I've read.  Far from the 99% that the media wants you to believe!)  More often men are going to stay faithful in their marriages and be miserable for as long as they can take it.  When it does happen, it's not usually a "sex" thing.  He's starving for something else.  


A starving man is either going to steal or die...and given his instincts to live, he's probably going to try stealing first.

The men who read my blog and belong to my Facebook page have begged me to address this issue, but I've avoided it for a long time because so many of my women readers think it's excuse-making.  However, one thing I've learned about relationships is that problems within them are rarely one-sided. Rarely. Not saying it doesn't happen and neither am I blaming the "victims" but a lot of adultery in marriage fits into this category.  Very few cases of infidelity involve a woman and man who were actively meeting one another's needs and one person just decided to stray out of the blue!

If you starve a person of a major need, after a while they are going to seek it out or die. A man's need for respect and admiration will often contribute to him looking for it wherever he can find it - even if in the company of another woman. This is why we (the public) are often shocked at how "plain" some of the mistresses of prominent men look. We wonder to ourselves "Her? Really? He was willing to risk so much for her!?" Where, in reality, often that woman has learned how to stroke that man's ego in some ways he was sorely needing.

Does this excuse predatory and irresponsible behaviors? Not at all. Remember, however, that we're talking about needs. And needs, by definition, must be met and there are countless men who are facing a few demoralizing choices even today as you read this: commit adultery, end the marriage or die.

Needs must be met. A skillful woman learns how to address to address this need at home.

Blessings!

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Love is a Beautiful Thing.

Love is a beautiful thing. A human can't experience anything greater than being totally naked in front of another person and feeling total acceptance, no shame. I'm praying for this for all of you reading this today!

But you have to choose it. You have to take the chance and let your guard down. You have to forgive and let go of the past. But it's worth it. It truly is.

Blessings!

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The Freedom of Forgiveness

From time to time I'm reminded that this blog is also ministry. I have to keep spreading the Gospel. And there is no gospel that doesn't include forgiveness. And any time we accept forgiveness (which all Believers have) we are obligated to extend grace to others in abundance.

How often? How many times do we forgive those who sin against us?  Probably more than you have as you read this.  If you're like many people, you have a ways to go.  Even if you're into a couple dozen times, you have a ways to go before you come close to the standard set by Christ.

Forgiveness and reconciliation aren't the same thing. One can give and forgive without recommitting to the relationship.  Sometimes it is necessary to keep one's distance.  But continuing to hold grudges impacts your own business, family life, spiritual life and relationships.  You can't continue in health while keeping poison in your system.

And if you tell me it's a process, I'll debate you because I'm not convinced.  To the extent it's a process, I think it's mostly a matter of deciding when you're going to stop letting the poison slowly kill you.  That's about as much of a process as I'm willing to allow.  I think most of the time we call it that to justify why we haven't done it.

I talk about forgiveness a lot, but I understand hurts, pains, dejection and betrayal MUCH MORE than any of you think. MUCH MORE. But I also understand the freedom of forgiveness.  It breaks those ties that were chaining you to your past.  That's the only way to live. When you live looking back, you doom your own future. Keep hoping and living in expectancy!

Blessings!

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Are You Relationship Ready?

I found this tool kind of neat! Click on this link and do the quiz to see how "Relationship Ready" you are. Is it perfect? No. Of course not, but it will give you some things to think about.

RELATIONSHIP TEST

What did you score?  If you're honest with yourself as you take it, I am confident you'll find some things to pray about and work on!  I actually scored pretty high.  Higher than I expected.  LOL

Blessings!

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